Sunday, July 25, 2010

Everything's Alright

Last night, boyfriend and I were studying at a coffee shop near the university. I was engrossed in my readings, stopping only to reply with excitement to my friend in law school. The exchange of messages was hilarious, and I couldn't be happier for finding a new friend who more or less shares the same dilemmas as I. The exchange went on until such a point where I no longer felt the desire to reply.

After classes, he sent this long message, telling me that he wished I could reply with as much vigor as I replied to my friend.

As always, he was being a drama king. But there was also a part of me that felt guilty. He was somehow true. I was getting irritable toward him, not because I loved him less, but because I somehow channeled my frustrations to him, who's always there for me. I don't hold his hand as much anymore, not because I dislike his finger intertwining with mine, but because I don't need the warmth to know that I'm still very much in love with him. And sometimes, we would be together for hours without sharing a substantial conversation--I like the silence in his company.

I realize, of course, that I'm being selfish. That his needs don't exactly fit mine, and I somehow have to make room for what we both want. I went back to how we got together, and I realized that he left his ex for me. Because he thought I could love him more. He can see now that that's not the case.

So maybe he'll leave me. That would depress the shit out of me, but I'd fight for with whatever few weapons and resources I have.


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A month ago, I wouldn't have imagined myself poring over hundreds of cases and memorizing provisions through and through. It's amazing how you change because circumstances force you to.

So I guess I'm finally adjusting. I still can tolerate the terrorism only to a certain degree, but thankfully, I'm moving forward.

2 comments:

  1. You know what, small gestures of love make big impact. And those small gestures, I believe, is what he misses most.

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