Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Recycling

When my newfound friends found out I am dating someone I used to be with for about eight-nine months roughly eight years ago (yes, even before this blog started), they were rightfully confused. Even I was confused.

I mean, whenever i would recall my past breakups, the breakup with this guy was the one I regretted the least. I mean, he was not the kindest person back then. That's what I'd thought to myself, at least. But I remember loving him dearly, with all the heart my eighteen-year-old self could possibly give.

And then the pieces of the puzzle started coming together. He moved to the South for me when we were together. I couldn't catch a ride back home, and was in the middle of Pasay, and I remember him being so worried about me. And all those little things. I was crazy about him.

Until I was not. Stuff happened, and I fell out of love in a snap. Ours was the stuff of love stories in college. I loved him, then I hated him for hating on my best friend. But that love felt real.

Fast forward to today, where I spend my weekends overnight with him, huddled in bed, and where I meet his friends occasionally, and where I go to church with him. And all of it, all of this, brings me back to that time when I truly felt genuine care for someone.

I have to admit, it feels good. After more than a year of being single and dating around, and failing to develop feelings that ripen into love, it does feel strange to worry about and want the best for someone again.

It feels good, and it feels dangerous.

What if this does not work out? What if I end up hurting? What if I am into him more than he is into me? All these questions stir up weird insecurities I thought I had gotten over with. And i often have to slap myself back to reality.

And tell myself: you're alright. And if it this does not work out, then at least you felt felt love--or something that approximates it--again.

Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. I guess I'll have to see.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

2016

I'm grateful for 2016. I wouldn't call it a bad year--neither is it a fantastic year. But I've definitely gone way out of my comfort zone than I initially set out at the start of the year.

In retrospect, I'm quite glad I've managed to keep most of my resolutions. I started working out in the gym regularly. I meditate more or less regularly. And I did go out more often. A little too often, if you ask me. Haha.

Also in 2016: I broke up with the person I had been in a longest relationship with. A little less than two and a half years. Who would've thought? I am capable of true love by choice after all--a helpful reminder after all the failed dates I had this year.

Failed dates. I don't know why or how exactly these dates lose steam. But I'm glad they did. I would not in my wildest imagination jump in a relationship head first as I used to a couple of years back. I am certainly more measured, more level-headed, and, through it all, still hopeful. Hopeful, but not expecting. I can't help but think that I've wasted all that precious time dating one guy after the other. So this year I've decided to do better by:

1. Dating less, unless I genuinely feel there is potential;
2. Meditating and working out more consistently;
3. Being more time-efficient (and use Facebook less!);
4. Loving myself a little more.

The last part is tricky--I've always thought I like myself just fine. But there are too many things I don't forgive myself for.

I've also started teaching business law subjects to undergraduate students, which I guess partially fulfills what I remember saying here years ago.

So yeah. 2016 was pretty cool. 2017 will be a tough one, and I see little time for rest. But I'm ready, I'm happy, and I'm rather pleased with myself.

Happy New Year!


Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Holidays

I found a date during my one-month stay in Melbourne. Dating him has been great, and melodramatic, I suppose. We both know it can't and won't work out after this.

But this brief episode is teaching me a lot of things. See, back in Manila, I would date a handful of guys half-heartedly. There was no booming chemistry, and something in me knew those dates were doomed to fail.  I did them anyway. Maybe cos I thought it might work? Maybe cos I did not want to feel unattached?

I now realize what a waste of time that was. The guy I'm dating here has made me realize, brief though our stint may be, that I could do better. I should.

It's so easy to settle when you're kinda in a hurry to be in a relationship, because it terrifies me to be alone. Because who I am is a relationship person. Because I feel the need to share myself with someone. I now realize what a fool I've been.

So, yeah. Maybe I am a relationship person. Maybe that's what will truly and genuinely make me completely happy. And I will not have that, not anytime near. What I will have: long hours at work; Saturdays spent in school, teaching; relationships with new (and old) friends that I'm willing to invest in.

And you know what? That's okay. In fact, that's more than okay. And that's what makes my holidays pretty awesome. How about yours?