Sunday, January 1, 2017

2016

I'm grateful for 2016. I wouldn't call it a bad year--neither is it a fantastic year. But I've definitely gone way out of my comfort zone than I initially set out at the start of the year.

In retrospect, I'm quite glad I've managed to keep most of my resolutions. I started working out in the gym regularly. I meditate more or less regularly. And I did go out more often. A little too often, if you ask me. Haha.

Also in 2016: I broke up with the person I had been in a longest relationship with. A little less than two and a half years. Who would've thought? I am capable of true love by choice after all--a helpful reminder after all the failed dates I had this year.

Failed dates. I don't know why or how exactly these dates lose steam. But I'm glad they did. I would not in my wildest imagination jump in a relationship head first as I used to a couple of years back. I am certainly more measured, more level-headed, and, through it all, still hopeful. Hopeful, but not expecting. I can't help but think that I've wasted all that precious time dating one guy after the other. So this year I've decided to do better by:

1. Dating less, unless I genuinely feel there is potential;
2. Meditating and working out more consistently;
3. Being more time-efficient (and use Facebook less!);
4. Loving myself a little more.

The last part is tricky--I've always thought I like myself just fine. But there are too many things I don't forgive myself for.

I've also started teaching business law subjects to undergraduate students, which I guess partially fulfills what I remember saying here years ago.

So yeah. 2016 was pretty cool. 2017 will be a tough one, and I see little time for rest. But I'm ready, I'm happy, and I'm rather pleased with myself.

Happy New Year!


Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Holidays

I found a date during my one-month stay in Melbourne. Dating him has been great, and melodramatic, I suppose. We both know it can't and won't work out after this.

But this brief episode is teaching me a lot of things. See, back in Manila, I would date a handful of guys half-heartedly. There was no booming chemistry, and something in me knew those dates were doomed to fail.  I did them anyway. Maybe cos I thought it might work? Maybe cos I did not want to feel unattached?

I now realize what a waste of time that was. The guy I'm dating here has made me realize, brief though our stint may be, that I could do better. I should.

It's so easy to settle when you're kinda in a hurry to be in a relationship, because it terrifies me to be alone. Because who I am is a relationship person. Because I feel the need to share myself with someone. I now realize what a fool I've been.

So, yeah. Maybe I am a relationship person. Maybe that's what will truly and genuinely make me completely happy. And I will not have that, not anytime near. What I will have: long hours at work; Saturdays spent in school, teaching; relationships with new (and old) friends that I'm willing to invest in.

And you know what? That's okay. In fact, that's more than okay. And that's what makes my holidays pretty awesome. How about yours?


Monday, October 24, 2016

I am okay

I know I have resolved to write here more, but several obstacles have prevented me from doing so--not the least of which is my inability to remember my password. I'd try for a couple of times, then stop trying altogether. And then I delay.

Just now I have decided to try a bit harder, and here I am, finally! :) My first update in half a year?

Try harder--that's what I failed to do here, in this makeshift journal, and that's what I fail to do with my love life. I guess I have to note here in some way that my more than two year-relationship has ended a couple of months ago. Yep. There goes my longest relationship.

I would have written a couple of things just to "honor" what we had, but the memories have mostly been forgotten, deliberately or inadvertently. Looking back, still, that will always be the benchmark by which I would measure any prospective relationship. That sounds pretty fucked up, comparing a future that has no real existence to a past that ended for the right reasons. But my ex and I, I would like to think, were doing fine. We had mutual respect for each other, and I would always be the first person to vouch for his happiness.   I would even venture to say that, despite the general inaccuracy of feelings, I loved him. Whether as a really good friend or as a romantic partner, I guess I will find out in the future. He remains to be one of the kindest and most selfless people I have ever had the honor of having cross paths with in my life.

But that's the problem. We were doing fine. We were coasting along. And I don't want to coast along. I didn't want to remember my late 20s pouring in all my time for work and for a relationship, and not knowing where and who I am. 

It's funny, because I know what I didn't want. But I don't know what I want either. And not knowing is okay.

I am okay. All things considered, I am in a pretty good place now. I know I am a relationship person, but being in a relationship for the most part of my adult life has bred in me a perennial sense of disappointment and discontent; I was always looking, asking, expecting for something more, when all I needed was to be by myself.

Don't get me wrong, though--I date. Like, a lot. Being single again after a long time of being cooped up in the relationship bubble has really opened my eyes up to all those apps. But unlike before, I don't go out there with a sense of optimism. I let things unfold and not force them to become a creature that I'd later be discontent with, in either a few weeks or a few years. This definitely means that I am more scrupulous when it comes to commitments, rarely jumping into adventures without caution, but my renewed approach to take things more cautiously despite my instinct works for me.

These days you'd see me working late nights, drinking and going out with friends, sometimes partying out, going to the gym as regularly as possible, hanging out with my family, and often just being alone watching TV series (totally hooked on Transparent, which deserves another post) or reading books after a long night. 

I honestly believe that this is the best version of myself so far. It could get better--I still have those random pangs of sadness, and I could be more financially stable, and I could do with a little less traffic driving to and from work. Of course, I could also do with a  little less stress with work, but I guess legal practice is by itself a whole bag of problems waiting to be solved by people who don't know any better. Definitely, the President could do with a little less blabbering to help me sleep more peacefully at night (to selfishly put it).

But I am okay. And being okay, right here, right now at this point in my life, is more than okay.