Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
On my way home from school, I called up my mom. I told her I got a 5.0 in my recitation. She told me it was okay, and that we all falter down sometime. Before that, I was trying my best to pull myself together. I thought I was immune to the scathing remarks and insults of professors. But I was not.
Isn’t it odd how one decision can turn your life around? I thought law school would be difficult. But I was wrong. This is… this is something I can’t even describe.
She told me I can try next time, and that what happened was totally fine. There was no disappointment in her voice. There was only understanding.
And yet, that alone was enough to make me tremble. That alone was enough to make me feel all the pain and sadness I’ve been trying to suppress.
I went straight to my room. And I cried.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Before law school, I’d never been away from home for longer than a week. That wasn’t such a big deal, because I knew I had a place to come home to.
Not this time. Living in a boarding house near school, I almost couldntn't--and still can't--endure the distance from my family. I'm the type of gay that's close to his parents and siblings. The more or less permanent distance made me realize that, from that point on, my life had changed forever. True enough, it had.
And that’s when I cried really, really hard for the first time in a looong while. That night was followed by so many nights of depression and hopelessness, where tears just wouldn't stop running.
I was about to do just that again last night. I was shit scared of getting shouted at and insulted again. But, unlike the previous times I cried over law school, I sucked it up and kept on reading. That night, I told my boyfriend how this entire thing was so hard and how terrified I was of getting a failed recitation grade again. I also had a brief conversation with a classmate who said she didn't want to go further. I finished 3 out of the 15 assigned readings that day.
None of it came up in the class discussion, and I was lucky enough not to be called. That, despite the fact that more than half of the class was absent. Most of us are just so burned out.
The point is. I’m still away from home. The circumstances are just as depressing. But I learned a few things in my first month in law school: that pain, mockery and shame are all necessary, that I could always quit and go to another law school, and that I should never let go of myself.
That's precisely why I started this blog. This is undoubtedly the hardest phase of my life, and I need to be able to move forward by venting this all out of my system.
Failure is not a fucking option.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
It was during a private consultation with her that she finally asked me: so why are you here in law school?
I didn't know what got into me, but started spouting words that I guessed had always been in my subconscious all along.
I told her I was frustrated with how I see so many injustices, both within and beyond my areas of concern, that I couldn't just stop at knowing them. In fact, knowing these injustices made me hurt even more: it's in knowing and literally being powerless to do anything that you find yourself even more tortured. I explained how I couldn't believe our judicial system would allow private and closed lobbying at the expense of the oppressed. Or how all the other areas in the Philippines are backwards in terms of education, communication, technology, and business despite our country's potential.
She smiled. That smile meant so much to me. It was so much more than my first moment of redemption in law school. It was an affirmation of what even I didn't know about myself.
When I got home, I resigned from all my freelance jobs that paid me so much more than the regular Filipino wage earner. And then, for the first time, I hit the books without reluctance.
I guess you could say I missed the feeling, so I asked my boyfriend if he'd allow me to watch one. He hesitated, but he knew he couldn't stop me anyway. So he agreed.
The last full show didn't have a lot of people in it. There's this guy who kept on talking to me, and I muttered curt responses in between. Hello kuya, obvious ba sa headphones ko na ayokong makipag-usap sayo?!
Anyway, I didn't feel uncomfortable with possible gazes of people behind me. Nor did I hate the fact that I was the only one in the entire row without company. I was in my own little world, just like the old days.
A few minutes into the movie, though, I felt a slight sense of discomfort. I missed him holding my hand inside the theater .I missed him paying attention more to me than the what's happening in the silver screen. I missed him, despite the fact that we just met each other the previous night.
That's when I realized, tang'ina, mahal na mahal na ata talaga kita.