I went on a random date last Saturday. He was a nice guy, but it's no big secret I already had somebody else in mind. Why did i do it? Among a few reasons at the top of my head is the need to feel desired. Of course, there was no guarantee that my date would like me--but I'm glad he did.
He told me I was too proper and that I should open up. He told me that I should have fun, then proceeded to ask me personal questions about how I am as a lover, what I'm looking for in a partner, and things I don't really think deserve an answer on the first date. By the end of the date, he concluded that I was an abrasive guy (but strangely enough, this didn't stop him from "attaching" to me).
I know that he's not exactly right. I may not be the type to blend easily in conversations. I get annoyed at the smallest things. I don't like being forced to do things that I don't like. But give me the right person, and I'll talk about my dreams, my private thoughts, my insecurities, and my unsolicited drama. I could be someone's best.
I went on a funeral of a friend's mom a couple of weeks back. Forgive me for sounding self-absorbed, but don't deaths and funerals make us realize how short our time here is? It can be as soon as tomorrow on my way to school, or a few weeks as I'm writing this. Mindblowing, that we can't really ever know when our time is up.
The point is: life is short. It's a simple enough fact, but a lot of people seem to forget it, including me. Life is short, so what's the point of sweating over the small things? Life is short, so why should we worry so much about what other people think at the expense of what will really, really make us happy? Life is short, so why do we allow ourselves to go through the motions and not give the very best in every endeavor? Why don't we pursue what we really want? Why do we permit ourselves to get hurt when it's plainly unnecessary?
It is for this reason that I've decided (1) to actively work on worthwhile relationships and people, and (2) just go for it, which really just means that I should be more spontaneous. Haha.
I just don't want to be the person who wounds up at his deathbed, regretting all the failed relationships and endeavors he could've worked out by simply trying a little bit harder.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
It's been a while since I felt this feeling--the vulnerability, annoying attachment, .the desire to know everything about a person who clearly doesn't, or can't, feel the same.
I can easily classify myself as a private person, but I just found myself pouring everything into a person who wouldn't even tell me his last name. I'm pretty sure this will come down as one of the greatest ironies in my life--liking somebody who wouldn't ever be as near to me as I want to, when there are other guys who are willing to stay,
The only logical thing to do, really, is to run for self-preservation. But I reel myself back in. It's my own doing.
It's a shame, really. I'm finally ready to try again, but fate is too unkind. I know I should start moving forward, but how do I even start?