Lord of the Rings. Gay. Frustrations.

For the past two days, I've been watching what I am now going to call my favorite movies: the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I was around eleven to thirteen years old when the movies were screened in the cinemas. Although I appreciated the sceneries and the action back then, I didn't really understand what the movie is all about. I remember reading the books back in high school, but I nearly if not totally forgot about them.

I managed to finish the movies without getting bored one bit. It doesn't help that there are visual treats as well:

Aside from that, I can't help but wonder what's going on with Sam and Frodo. As if the PDA they've been doing throughout the movie wasn't enough, Frodo just had to give these parting words to Sam:

My dear Sam. You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do. Your part in the story will go on.

So what if Sam is a married halfling? For all I know, gay men are the best adulterers. :> Oh, the things I allow my head to run off to.

Anyway, I'm two days away from the official end of sembreak. Of all the men I flirted with over the break, there's one man left standing (or, err, texting). He's not exactly my ideal partner. On our first date, he asked me if I wanted to have sex, to which I said no. Our exchange of messages was limited to stupid greetings or queries of what one or the other is doing. Worst, he's this clingy and needy creature who literally craves for attention. I pointed all that out to him, and he ended up liking me even more for my "honesty". Great.

What really did it was when he asked me if I could loan him some money. I told him it would never work and, just like that, I stopped talking to him.

At the last part of the film, Frodo said something. These words sliced through me, and I couldn't help but feel exactly the same:

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are somethings that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.

The truth is, I don't think I would ever fall in love again. These hurts are self-inflicted, sustained after roughly four failed relationships. Why did they fail? There was always something missing. To put it bluntly, none of them was the one.

The one would have to be someone who could put up with my spontaneity, with me putting up with any of his quirks. He (maybe even a she? LOL) would have to be street-smart, to supplement my lack of life skills. Maybe good-looking, even average... but definitely not the macho and debonair type, as I would probably just be insecure and wary all the time. He must not be a sucker for love, someone who knows what he wants and is working to get it. That person should like movies and books a lot as I do, so we'd have something to talk about without forcing topics into each other's mouths. Oh I can go on, but do I really know what I'm talking about?

The commercialized world would have us, specifically me, believe that all these standards will be done away with anyway once I am swept off my feet. I disagree. After four failed relationships, I can say as a matter of fact that there are things that are not a matter of compromise. I cannot, and shall not, compromise depth and compatibility for a pretty face, the warmth of intertwining fingers, or the sudden rush of inexplicable emotions. I do not care for those moments when I am treated sweetly, knowing that they are merely fabricated to ensnare my heart. Through it all, the worst part is knowing and at the same time not knowing what I really want and in whom these standards exist. Okay fine, I'm being dramatic again.

J told me I should go out often, stop studying too much and start seeing people. A invited me to go to Malate with his friends. I brushed aside both pieces of advice. I suck at contrived settings of socialization, ie planned conversations.

So right now? At this very moment? I don't think I will fall in love again.

But I just know I will, someday...someday.