If you've been reading my dragging posts long enough, then you've probably figured out that I'm a hopeless romantic who, despite all my failed relationships and unfortunate dating history, still secretly believes that there's someone out there for me. Someone that fits who I am. Like a glove. Maybe that person has already come, but that's another story.
The point of this entry, actually, is to share this trailer I came across. If you can't view it here, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUU_WzRBHX4 instead. (Hehe, sorry, too lazy to make a proper hyperlink)
Just this week, I decided to terminate a friendship with a close friend in law school. He's one of the few gay people I'm comfortable enough to share my personal secrets with. And what do I get? One lazy evening, while we were talking in jest, he told me that I'm much gayer than he is, that I've had much more relationships than he has, and other qualities I was honestly surprised he even considered.
There are at least two lessons that I can cull from this. One, that his tendency to be condescending and patronizing, which I thought was perfectly fine with me, has taken its toll on me. For someone with so many insecurities, he certainly has a way of dealing with and judging people the odd (for lack of a better of word) way. Second, maybe I don't understand the dynamics of gay relations at all. In any other gay relationship, it might have been a perfectly acceptable mode of conduct. I actually think the latter holds more water, but that doesn't make me any more comfortable with how attacked I felt.
Don't get me wrong; the termination of friendship is not as dramatic as it may sound. I guess I just disappeared from his affairs--an act which I am apparently pretty good at.
Other than the constant threat of failure in law school hovering around my head, nothing really remarkable has been happening in my life lately. I guess you could call my day-to-day life as boring. The happy kind of boring :)
Sunday, September 4, 2011
For the first time in my life I have this amazing sense of purpose and clarity. A purpose totally unrelated to matters of the heart. A purpose identified three months after a tough break-up (at least on my part), countless flings with boys (none of which were men), and an Insurance midterm exam that I almost passed.
I finally know what I really want with my life. No, I don’t want to be that person who gives myself away far too easily and settles for anything less. I finally decided to stop pegging myself worth with what other people think of me, or with the presence of another half.
I’ve been making changes. I’m trying to be a more productive worker. I’ve also been trying to study a lot harder. Following a year of decent performance in law school, my second year has so far been unremarkable, if not disappointing. Backlogs, unremarkable recits, coming to class unprepared, settling for case digests…that’s not why I’m supposed to be here for, is it? I used to genuinely love learning and understanding, but somewhere along the way, it all stopped making sense. I’ll be betternow :P
Before the sem started, I planned on being an evening law student. I had my eyes on a teaching position in the university. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a vacancy before the sem started. But I just got a message, asking me if I’m interested in the teaching position for the subjects I’d love to teach.
While on one hand, I want to finish my studies and finally start the rest of my life as a lawyer, teaching has always been a secret passion of sorts. Ah, well, I still have a couple of weeks to think about it.
On Newfound Interests
What’s an interesting hobby to take up? I would love to try working out, but I get tired so easily. (Random trivia: I can fall asleep anywhere. In fact, I’ve pretty much slept everywhere—and yes, that includes right smack in front of my professors.) Gold’s Gym will be opening in Katipunan, that could be a fresh start. But honestly, what’s stopping me is all the stories of men going to the gym and hooking up.
Which reminds me... I've always wanted to try cooking! Sadly I know zilch about cooking.
So I think I’ll settle for table tennis for now. And because I’m feeling a little dangerous (and because I think it's finally time to put a face to the name), let me post a snapshot of me hahaha.
So yeah, the worst has come and passed. After my little misadventure, a friend or two actually had the guts to ask me what the hell happened at the party. I was so flustered, mainly because I didn’t know how to deal with issues like that. I’m pretty much low profile. I can sense that they’re (they being my friends) treading very lightly—they’re not sure what’s the proper approach. So I resolved to just forget that night, as if nothing happened. I never met the guy. I never jumped into his car. Saturday never happened. Sometimes, forgetting is a lot easier than dealing.
The point, I guess, is that I should stop trying to expand my world. I have friends, and they're hell of the best. While I should always try new things and experiences, that doesn't mean I should make a deliberate effort to change who I am. This is who I am, funny to some, boring to most. And the great thing? This is the me I'm starting to finally love.