Monday, November 22, 2010

How does Arwind move on from a heartbreak?

A standstill. That’s probably the best way I can describe my life right now.

I wake up at 7:00 AM. Do some push-ups. Go to the library. Attend class. Have minimum interaction with law students alike. By 7:00 PM, I’d probably go to some fast food restaurant and eat alone, sometimes forgetting that I wasn’t able to eat lunch. Watch people. Then go home, take a quick shower, and call it a day.

The truth is, depression sunk in late last week when I found out that I got a grade I didn’t deserve in one of my favorite courses last semester, Criminal Law I. The legal fiction, the extensive discussion on criminal liability, the consummation of a crime… all these fascinated me, inspired me to understand the science of the subject. But I fell short of my expectations, and so I allowed myself to whirl in the vortex of self-pity.

Soon enough, I got over the depression, leading me to believe that not blogging about it probably helped. A lot. All I had to do was amuse myself with thoughts of other people in a far worse situation than I, or with the fact that in the end there isn’t really anything I can do but move forward.

Forward to a Harry Potter movie, which I didn’t like, even to my own surprise. It just felt contrived and rushed, and did not even evoke a single strand of emotion from me. Forward to Tagaytay, which is the nearest place I can identify the words comfort and relaxation with. And forward to now, where I don’t have to check my phone every so often because I know no one’s looking for me or worrying if ‘I ate already’, where I can study without distractions, and where guiltless daydreaming about that fairly hot Computer guy in the library is perfectly acceptable.

The last bit of closure I needed arrived in an electronic message sent by the professor himself. In response to a query of mine, he laid down the basis of my grade. I remember giving a huge sigh of relief. It didn’t change things, but that was the truth that finally allowed me to cave in and let go. Curious thing, these grades…they define a huge part of me.

Funny how I can write about moving on from getting a really bad grade and not about moving on from a relationship, right? Funnier how I talk about needing love when it's all too clear what my priorities are at the end of the day. And you know what's the funniest? Me, because I know I'm still blindly waiting for the one yet pushing people away for no apparent reason.

So maybe, with all the ironies in my life right now...maybe being in a standstill isn't such a bad thing.


  1. for a minute there i thought my routine's looking right back at me. hahaha. SMP member then? lolz.

    kaya naten to pre! ching!

  2. i admire your independence... pero pero no man is an island... someday, somehow, kakailanganin mo din ng someone... habang wala ka pang someone... your "excellent friend" is here... naks.

  3. -miguel A. naklimutan ko ilagay kanina haha

  4. First off, Arwind, we have a typo. I suppose really bad great was meant to say really bad grade. Forgive me, I am anal retentive.

    Being in a standstill, or "stuck up," like what my good tambay friends would call it, ain't half bad. Just don't stay there for too long. Don't be so static. Amuse yourself. Masturbate. Can you imagine a life without masturbation? Really? There you go.

    Cheers you. Mabuhay ka Arwind!

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  6. Momel!

    Is that even your real name? Hehe. Anyway, thank you. For pointing out that mistake! :D

    And also, well, I admit I like masturbating every once in a while. LOL