A standstill. That’s probably the best way I can describe my life right now.
I wake up at 7:00 AM. Do some push-ups. Go to the library. Attend class. Have minimum interaction with law students alike. By 7:00 PM, I’d probably go to some fast food restaurant and eat alone, sometimes forgetting that I wasn’t able to eat lunch. Watch people. Then go home, take a quick shower, and call it a day.
The truth is, depression sunk in late last week when I found out that I got a grade I didn’t deserve in one of my favorite courses last semester, Criminal Law I. The legal fiction, the extensive discussion on criminal liability, the consummation of a crime… all these fascinated me, inspired me to understand the science of the subject. But I fell short of my expectations, and so I allowed myself to whirl in the vortex of self-pity.
Soon enough, I got over the depression, leading me to believe that not blogging about it probably helped. A lot. All I had to do was amuse myself with thoughts of other people in a far worse situation than I, or with the fact that in the end there isn’t really anything I can do but move forward.
Forward to a Harry Potter movie, which I didn’t like, even to my own surprise. It just felt contrived and rushed, and did not even evoke a single strand of emotion from me. Forward to Tagaytay, which is the nearest place I can identify the words comfort and relaxation with. And forward to now, where I don’t have to check my phone every so often because I know no one’s looking for me or worrying if ‘I ate already’, where I can study without distractions, and where guiltless daydreaming about that fairly hot Computer guy in the library is perfectly acceptable.
The last bit of closure I needed arrived in an electronic message sent by the professor himself. In response to a query of mine, he laid down the basis of my grade. I remember giving a huge sigh of relief. It didn’t change things, but that was the truth that finally allowed me to cave in and let go. Curious thing, these grades…they define a huge part of me.
Funny how I can write about moving on from getting a really bad grade and not about moving on from a relationship, right? Funnier how I talk about needing love when it's all too clear what my priorities are at the end of the day. And you know what's the funniest? Me, because I know I'm still blindly waiting for the one yet pushing people away for no apparent reason.
So maybe, with all the ironies in my life right now...maybe being in a standstill isn't such a bad thing.