Before law school, I’d never been away from home for longer than a week. That wasn’t such a big deal, because I knew I had a place to come home to.
Not this time. Living in a boarding house near school, I almost couldntn't--and still can't--endure the distance from my family. I'm the type of gay that's close to his parents and siblings. The more or less permanent distance made me realize that, from that point on, my life had changed forever. True enough, it had.
And that’s when I cried really, really hard for the first time in a looong while. That night was followed by so many nights of depression and hopelessness, where tears just wouldn't stop running.
I was about to do just that again last night. I was shit scared of getting shouted at and insulted again. But, unlike the previous times I cried over law school, I sucked it up and kept on reading. That night, I told my boyfriend how this entire thing was so hard and how terrified I was of getting a failed recitation grade again. I also had a brief conversation with a classmate who said she didn't want to go further. I finished 3 out of the 15 assigned readings that day.
None of it came up in the class discussion, and I was lucky enough not to be called. That, despite the fact that more than half of the class was absent. Most of us are just so burned out.
The point is. I’m still away from home. The circumstances are just as depressing. But I learned a few things in my first month in law school: that pain, mockery and shame are all necessary, that I could always quit and go to another law school, and that I should never let go of myself.
That's precisely why I started this blog. This is undoubtedly the hardest phase of my life, and I need to be able to move forward by venting this all out of my system.
Failure is not a fucking option.