Gusto ko naman maging masaya. Sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos, wala akong maramdaman kung hindi takot o kaba na baka matawag sa klase, depression kapag nakakakuha ng mababang grade, stress kapag hindi natatapos ang assigned readings.
A friend of mine told me I should quit. "That's how you deal with a job you don't like", she said. You quit.
I had several objections to this.
Una, hindi naman tulad ng trabaho ang law school. I think we are purposely put through pain. Natural ang lungkot at sakit. Sino bang mag-e-enjoy sa pagpapahirap ng law school, lalo na kung araw-araw kine-question ang dahilan kung bakit ka nandito? Sino bang magiging masaya sa pagpupuyat araw-araw, pero hindi mo pa din maintindihan kung bakit feeling mo ang bobo-bobo mo? O kung sadyang matalino ka man, sinong magiging masaya na nakukuha ang oras na dapat nilalaan mo sa pag-enjoy ng buhay mo?
Pagod na ko. Pagod na kong masaktan. And I honesty can't remember the last time I was happy because of my academics. Undergrad seems so far away, where I can easily be the top hound and win without even trying--in stark contrast to the present. The present where, however much I try, I'm just not enough.
Pangalawa, bakit ako magqui-quit? Papabayaan ko bang sumuko na lang dahil hindi na kaya ng utak ko? If I quit, I'll forever hold this against myself. There must be a reason why I passed, despite the odds.
Madami pang dahilan, pero wala na kong oras. Hehe. May meeting pa kasi.
So, ang conclusion, gusto ko lang mag-rant. Sabi ng kaibigan ko sa law school, walang makakaintindi ng sakit at hirap na to unless you're actually here. Maybe, maybe not. After all, iba't iba naman ang hirap na pinagdadaanan ng bawat na to. This difficulty means waking up every morning, having slept only for a few hours. The difficulty of dealing with your emotions when you think you can break down any moment and desperately holding yourself together because you simply have a lot to memorize, read, and study. It doesn't end.
But if I don't release it, I fear I'm going to detonate soon. Even my boyfriend has his own issues, and I just can't burden him with these. Masyado na kaming problemado para damihan ko pa ang problema.
Pagod na ko. Enough na, sabi ng katawan ko.
Pero ayaw pa din sumuko ng utak ko.