Everything's Alright

Last night, boyfriend and I were studying at a coffee shop near the university. I was engrossed in my readings, stopping only to reply with excitement to my friend in law school. The exchange of messages was hilarious, and I couldn't be happier for finding a new friend who more or less shares the same dilemmas as I. The exchange went on until such a point where I no longer felt the desire to reply.

After classes, he sent this long message, telling me that he wished I could reply with as much vigor as I replied to my friend.

As always, he was being a drama king. But there was also a part of me that felt guilty. He was somehow true. I was getting irritable toward him, not because I loved him less, but because I somehow channeled my frustrations to him, who's always there for me. I don't hold his hand as much anymore, not because I dislike his finger intertwining with mine, but because I don't need the warmth to know that I'm still very much in love with him. And sometimes, we would be together for hours without sharing a substantial conversation--I like the silence in his company.

I realize, of course, that I'm being selfish. That his needs don't exactly fit mine, and I somehow have to make room for what we both want. I went back to how we got together, and I realized that he left his ex for me. Because he thought I could love him more. He can see now that that's not the case.

So maybe he'll leave me. That would depress the shit out of me, but I'd fight for with whatever few weapons and resources I have.

----

A month ago, I wouldn't have imagined myself poring over hundreds of cases and memorizing provisions through and through. It's amazing how you change because circumstances force you to.

So I guess I'm finally adjusting. I still can tolerate the terrorism only to a certain degree, but thankfully, I'm moving forward.

Sad, alone, and everything in between

On my way home from school, I called up my mom. I told her I got a 5.0 in my recitation. She told me it was okay, and that we all falter down sometime. Before that, I was trying my best to pull myself together. I thought I was immune to the scathing remarks and insults of professors. But I was not.

Isn’t it odd how one decision can turn your life around? I thought law school would be difficult. But I was wrong. This is… this is something I can’t even describe.

She told me I can try next time, and that what happened was totally fine. There was no disappointment in her voice. There was only understanding.

And yet, that alone was enough to make me tremble. That alone was enough to make me feel all the pain and sadness I’ve been trying to suppress.

I went straight to my room. And I cried.

Another Depressing Entry

Before law school, I’d never been away from home for longer than a week. That wasn’t such a big deal, because I knew I had a place to come home to.

Not this time. Living in a boarding house near school, I almost couldntn't--and still can't--endure the distance from my family. I'm the type of gay that's close to his parents and siblings. The more or less permanent distance made me realize that, from that point on, my life had changed forever. True enough, it had.

And that’s when I cried really, really hard for the first time in a looong while. That night was followed by so many nights of depression and hopelessness, where tears just wouldn't stop running.

I was about to do just that again last night. I was shit scared of getting shouted at and insulted again. But, unlike the previous times I cried over law school, I sucked it up and kept on reading. That night, I told my boyfriend how this entire thing was so hard and how terrified I was of getting a failed recitation grade again. I also had a brief conversation with a classmate who said she didn't want to go further. I finished 3 out of the 15 assigned readings that day.

None of it came up in the class discussion, and I was lucky enough not to be called. That, despite the fact that more than half of the class was absent. Most of us are just so burned out.

The point is. I’m still away from home. The circumstances are just as depressing. But I learned a few things in my first month in law school: that pain, mockery and shame are all necessary, that I could always quit and go to another law school, and that I should never let go of myself.

That's precisely why I started this blog. This is undoubtedly the hardest phase of my life, and I need to be able to move forward by venting this all out of my system.

Failure is not a fucking option.

So why are you in law school, Mr. _____?

I have this really strict professor who, at the start of the semester, made us answer why we're in law school. Session after session, palapit na nang palapit ang turn ko to recite. I didn't have a decent answer. In fact, I was so sure I was going to make passing the exam an excuse.

It was during a private consultation with her that she finally asked me: so why are you here in law school?

I didn't know what got into me, but started spouting words that I guessed had always been in my subconscious all along.

I told her I was frustrated with how I see so many injustices, both within and beyond my areas of concern, that I couldn't just stop at knowing them. In fact, knowing these injustices made me hurt even more: it's in knowing and literally being powerless to do anything that you find yourself even more tortured. I explained how I couldn't believe our judicial system would allow private and closed lobbying at the expense of the oppressed. Or how all the other areas in the Philippines are backwards in terms of education, communication, technology, and business despite our country's potential.

She smiled. That smile meant so much to me. It was so much more than my first moment of redemption in law school. It was an affirmation of what even I didn't know about myself.


When I got home, I resigned from all my freelance jobs that paid me so much more than the regular Filipino wage earner. And then, for the first time, I hit the books without reluctance.

Inception

I used to love watching movies alone, especially during my self-proclaimed single days. What's not to love? I don't have to answer a friend's question whenever s/he'd get 'lost' or endure painful side comments.

I guess you could say I missed the feeling, so I asked my boyfriend if he'd allow me to watch one. He hesitated, but he knew he couldn't stop me anyway. So he agreed.

The last full show didn't have a lot of people in it. There's this guy who kept on talking to me, and I muttered curt responses in between. Hello kuya, obvious ba sa headphones ko na ayokong makipag-usap sayo?!

Anyway, I didn't feel uncomfortable with possible gazes of people behind me. Nor did I hate the fact that I was the only one in the entire row without company. I was in my own little world, just like the old days.

A few minutes into the movie, though, I felt a slight sense of discomfort. I missed him holding my hand inside the theater .I missed him paying attention more to me than the what's happening in the silver screen. I missed him, despite the fact that we just met each other the previous night.

That's when I realized, tang'ina, mahal na mahal na ata talaga kita.

Masayang Byernes

Masaya ako ngayon.

I'm going to see my boyfriend again after over a week. The previous week hasn't been too nice to us. He was too tired "coming out" to his parents and "defending" our relationship, while I was too stressed out to take him seriously. I literally couldn't bring myself to feel anything more, I think law school has literally robbed me of all my emotions, but that's another story.

So, what exactly are we going to do when we meet? Simple lang... tatanga sya, habang nag-aaral ako. Because of an afternoon class I have tomorrow and a ton of cases I have to read, I literally couldn't waste another minute. Kaya he decided to meet me at tumunganga kahit nag-aaral ako, makita lang ako. ..daw.

It's definitely romantic on one hand. But on the other, I can't help but feel sorry for us and how law school is literally blowing our relationship to pieces. Agree naman sya.

---

Habang nasa jeep inside the campus, my classmates and I were talking about how difficult law school is. Ang galing lang, pare-pareho kami ng iniisip: na ibang level talaga. Etong isang classmate ko, gustong gusto nang mag-quit at lumipat na lang daw ng ibang law school. Seryoso sya, at siguro yun lang ang narinig kong sinabi nya throughout the entire trip. Nakakapagtaka, isa silang pamilya ng lawyers at dito din naman nag-aral ang kapatid nya. Pero naiintindihan ko sya. Hindi kasi healthy for the health na lagi kang malungkot at sinsigawan. Lalong hindi masaya kapag napapahiya ka sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos. Alam mo yung feeling pag pumipila ka sa rollercoaster? 'Yun, minus the excitement at relief.

Pero sana wag syang mag-quit. 'Cause that'd be one more reason for me to quit. Besides, she's too nice. Masyado kasing parallel ang feelings namin. Tulad ko, umiiyak din sya kapag nararamdaman kong hindi na kaya ng emosyon (at utak) ko...at least until last month. Sana maging malakas sya, para maging malakas din ako.

Enough.

Gusto ko naman maging masaya. Sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos, wala akong maramdaman kung hindi takot o kaba na baka matawag sa klase, depression kapag nakakakuha ng mababang grade, stress kapag hindi natatapos ang assigned readings.

A friend of mine told me I should quit. "That's how you deal with a job you don't like", she said. You quit.

I had several objections to this.

Una, hindi naman tulad ng trabaho ang law school. I think we are purposely put through pain. Natural ang lungkot at sakit. Sino bang mag-e-enjoy sa pagpapahirap ng law school, lalo na kung araw-araw kine-question ang dahilan kung bakit ka nandito? Sino bang magiging masaya sa pagpupuyat araw-araw, pero hindi mo pa din maintindihan kung bakit feeling mo ang bobo-bobo mo? O kung sadyang matalino ka man, sinong magiging masaya na nakukuha ang oras na dapat nilalaan mo sa pag-enjoy ng buhay mo?

Pagod na ko. Pagod na kong masaktan. And I honesty can't remember the last time I was happy because of my academics. Undergrad seems so far away, where I can easily be the top hound and win without even trying--in stark contrast to the present. The present where, however much I try, I'm just not enough.

Pangalawa, bakit ako magqui-quit? Papabayaan ko bang sumuko na lang dahil hindi na kaya ng utak ko? If I quit, I'll forever hold this against myself. There must be a reason why I passed, despite the odds.

Madami pang dahilan, pero wala na kong oras. Hehe. May meeting pa kasi.

So, ang conclusion, gusto ko lang mag-rant. Sabi ng kaibigan ko sa law school, walang makakaintindi ng sakit at hirap na to unless you're actually here. Maybe, maybe not. After all, iba't iba naman ang hirap na pinagdadaanan ng bawat na to. This difficulty means waking up every morning, having slept only for a few hours. The difficulty of dealing with your emotions when you think you can break down any moment and desperately holding yourself together because you simply have a lot to memorize, read, and study. It doesn't end.

But if I don't release it, I fear I'm going to detonate soon. Even my boyfriend has his own issues, and I just can't burden him with these. Masyado na kaming problemado para damihan ko pa ang problema.

Pagod na ko. Enough na, sabi ng katawan ko.

Pero ayaw pa din sumuko ng utak ko.

Preliminaries

Let's set the facts straight:

I am a freshman law student in need of a creative outlet from all the rigors and stress of law school.

I literally didn't have any idea what I was getting myself into when I entered law school. I'm paying for my ignorance with at least two cups of coffee and an unhealthy dose of attacks to my self-esteem...daily.

I am in a relationship with another person of the same sex. And no, that doesn't have anything to do with me pursuing this field.

The significant other is about to be assigned to a distant province for work for a couple of years. Expect sad and overwrought emotions.

I spend the little extra time I have listening to corny and usually sad music. Then I feel even more depressed.

I just quit my job to have more time to study time. Yet, time simply isn't enough. I have no money and I feel stupid. The best feeling in the world? Not exactly.

Why am I doing this? I need an escape. I need to be able to vent out my frustrations and sadness, maybe even share my happiness once in a while.

I need to write, to feel alive through my words.