I didn't need to look at myself in the mirror to understand exactly what he means. Law school has changed me. Without even realizing it then, I've built walls around people and even around myself just so I wouldn't succumb to destabilizing emotions. Who can blame me? This is the only way I can survive every day of insults and insecurities.
Because I didn't want to be selfish, I told him he could leave if he wanted to--I can promise nothing more than what I'm laying on the table and this will more or less continue for the succeeding years. But he wouldn't take that option.
It was only then when I again felt that warm feeling of sadness. He went to UP late at night, and we ate at one of the restaurants obviously about to close for the night. He was obviously about to cry--and he did just that. He rushed to the washroom, and I just stared blankly at him through it all. I was expressionless, with an almost curious look on my face.
Deep inside--but I would never admit this to him--I felt sad. He literally braved the floods of Manila to get to a person who's not even thankful for his presence. I have become the very thing I despise: an asshole.
I love him. God knows I do. And I can't be thankful enough that he chose to stick around. I don't know for how long his tolerance will last, but nonetheless, I'm ready for anything.
After all, my plan is this: I'll go through law school for all the suffering, insights, and learnings it has to offer. But when I've gone through everything, assuming that the difficulties stop there (which, I'm pretty sure, it doesn't), I will come back for him and try my best to earn his love back. Yes, the plan is plain stupid. He might well be in an altogether different path or relationship by then, but it's a risk I have to take.
The question now is, can I do it? Refrain from romantic, even sexual, connections for four years? For sure. If there's one thing about me, that's my appreciation for solitude. When I chose to be single, I stayed single for as long as I wanted to, notwithstanding flirtations in the side. I went to movies alone, I didn't touch my mobile phone for as long as a week, and I just immersed myself in work and movies. In retrospect, those were the happiest days. Another thing is my natural ability to resist sexual temptation. In the relatively short span of time that I've lived my life as a gay man, I've managed to come up with the conclusion that, really, masturbation is the best way to have sexual satisfaction. Sex, after all, is just in the mind, yeah?
Our love was an accident. I met him through a friend and, after a few dates, we finally realized how strongly we felt for each other. I tried to keep the course as normal as possible, as my previous relationships were either spur-of-the-moment decisions or ways for me to get out of another relationship. I involved myself in this relationship with the conviction that I intend to stay with this man for the rest of my life. That has not changed.
The fact remains: he wouldn't walk away. And I wish he won't ever have to.
As for the other boy, he told me he went to Malcolm and my place in Diliman to check on me. He even went through the places we had gone to, as if there's a lot of them in the first place.
Now that just freaked me out. I think I've told him in clear language (I would think) that there was nothing to look forward to. There was no relationship and I was not going to give up the person I truly love for a person who may look good, but knows nothing more than to tell me he loves me without any factual basis (and I'm not even talking about specific reasons, since everybody keeps on saying 'love doesn't have to have reasons, et cetera.'). I'm talking about love, which I believe should start with a strong foundation.
That's the next worst thing you can do to me: try to talk sweet to me and throw words that only make me feel sick to my stomach. And then stalk me. I'm not even stalk-able for Christ's sake.
I'll probably only be able to update this blog after a while. Midterm exams are in a week and I have to pore over mountains of readings and retain an overwhelming amount of information in days.
Maybe I can't do it. But I'll do it anyway.