Dropping and Rebelling

I don't know what's gotten into me.

If there's one thing my boyfriend hates, that's me talking to my ex's. I can totally understand him. I would prohibit my then boyfriends from talking to their ex's just the same. The extent of my boyfriend's disapproval, however, is so much stronger. He even goes as far as find ways to hate them: look at our previous conversations deeply buried in my inbox and even check my phone incessantly. I hated and respected it, his disapproval.

But something's bothering me. For the past two days, I managed to talk to my two ex's, both of whom celebrated their birthdays over the weekend. It was a casual conversation about our current lives--not once did I hide the fact that I am happily in a relationship.

What I did begs the question though: why did I do it?

I have a number of theories, but I'd rather not dwell on them. What I know with certainty, however, is that I probably won't tell this to him. He'd freak out and make a big deal out of it.

Over the weekend, I've also made up my mind: I'm going to drop a minor subject. It's not so much the difficulty of the subject that's driving me crazy; it's that I have to. Or at least I think I do.

You see, this is a major decision I'm making. As a friend of mine says, I've been a 'titleholder' for so long that I just refuse to give up the fight this early. The fight, meaning the possibilities of graduating with Latin honors and all that. Possibilities which, from where I'm standing, are but a mere hopeless thought. I thought long and hard about how I graduated with top honors and how I loved what getting them did to my ego.

But then, do these really matter? Do these matter compare to the ultimate objective of understanding how it is to be a lawyer? And to help? Maybe not. Or maybe I'm just rationalizing.

Deep within me, I know the real reason why I'm doing this. In my own acute, probably inconsequential kind of way, I'm rebelling against the system. A system that has institutionalized cruelty. It's one thing to say that the world out there is much more cruel and harsh; it's another thing to say that the cruelty of the 'real' world justifies the cruelty they're doing to us.

This is UP. But was UP ever meant to be like this? I remember telling my mom that if I don't pass this exam, I might as well not study law anymore. That was my pride talking. And dropping? This is my pride being crushed.

I'm dropping this subject because I'm tired of being scared all the time. I'm dropping, but I'm not totally quitting, because then I would've stopped going through this altogether. I'm dropping, because I want to release a part of myself trapped in the unjust but legitimate system of law school. I want not just more time to study, but a bit of time for my family, to talk to them a bit more at night.

There are many things I want, but so little that I am allowed to take. As for what I'm required to give up? Everything. My job, my time for my boyfriend, my family, my friends.

Myself?

I don't want to lose myself.

And that's really why I'm dropping.