Betraying the Boyfriend

For the past few days, my daily routine has been like this:

• Study in the library until 9:00 PM
• Study at home until 1:00/2:00 AM
• Sleep by 1:00/2:00 AM
• Wake up at 7:00 AM/8:00AM

For a person who used to enjoy as long as 9 hours of sleep back in undergrad, this is definitely something. It's amazing how this is changing the very essence of who I am: a sleepy person.

I must admit though, I do have my relapses. This afternoon, on my way to Trinoma, I dozed my head for a few seconds inside the jeepney and found myself in SM North Edsa. The consequence: I had to walk all the way to Trinoma to meet my college friends, whom I haven't seen in month, and my mom, whom I haven't seen in a week. One of my friends told me the dark circles in my eyes are beginning to fester. But what can I do? It's a much better trade-off than being depressed all the time or being unprepared.

Looking back, I never would've seen myself going through almost-sleepless nights of studying. I never did this during my undergrad days, and honestly thought I would never have to.

Aside from this fundamental change in my body schedule, something else has changed. Last night, I agreed to a date with another guy. I don't know what's gotten into me. A law school classmate of mine told me it must be the only way I can think of reacting to all the stress. Frankly? I think it's the way he's being overly possessive of me. Seriously, he expects me to text him like we're giddy lovers who can't get enough of each other. I've never been the romantic type and I honestly hate constant text messaging, but I leave enough room for both in order to let our relationship grow.

But at a certain point, I guess I got fed up of all his expectations and wanted to break free from it. So I agreed to the date. What surprised me was how this other guy invited himself to my place--the climax of which is a hug he initiated....and a kiss I initiated.

I know it's wrong, and I still can't wrap my head around what I did. But I did it, and there's simply no excuse.

I think I made things even worse by agreeing to another lunch date this afternoon right before class. I told myself I was just being polite: he drove all the way to the university just to get to talk to me. How can I refuse? But really, I could have refused. In fact, I should have refused.

At the end of the day, what's bothering me the most is my indifference. Frankly, I don't feel anything toward this other boy. He told me he thought he loved me. But really, is love possible after a few dates and conversations? Is love possible when you haven't even seen me smile, save for a few polite smiles I had to force out of myself?

So maybe it wasn't the kiss. But it was still a kiss. And I couldn't be bothered less by it.