The Truth

The truth is, I don't think I deserve him. He's every bit as gorgeous as anyone can possibly be.

But it's more than that. It's so much more than that. He is also charming, sweet, funny...and he has this amazing personality that's simply hard to resist. He was, for a fleeting moment, just that hot guy I got to know. But he just had to let me know him more. And none of the looks mattered, because who he is...it's more than enough.

So yeah. I fell. I fell after saying that I don't know love. I don't know how to feel that soaring feel I haven't had in a while.

The truth is, I want to make it work this time. I must've said this a million times in this sweet little space of mine. So I'm going to hold all the stops, let myself go, and enjoy this great feeling I want to call love. But is he the one?

Just let me. Let me jump and soar.

Aftermath

I guess this is what they call karma.

I'm going to drown myself in aspirin now.

Because Life Goes On

In between the intense remorse and self-pity, I drowned myself in the following:

And this:

They actually blend well together: the first because it might be the funniest chick flick I've watched, and the next because it pretty much says a lot about who I am. As he so eloquently said:

I always find something wrong
You've been putting up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most

What will happen?

I will call it off with he-who-I-taught-was-the-one. And it's not because of PE crush. Think of it. If I liked him so much, I wouldn't have swerved off the path of righteousness...and celibacy.

As for PE crush...there's no telling what will happen. But love is definitely the least of all possible and plausible options. We agreed so ourselves.

So after a few more conversations, he might want to leave. I would let him.

I will..I will stop being so dramatic about it. Because oftentimes, something needs to be done. And it has to be done as unromantically as possible.

Meanwhile, i shall gorge myself in optimistic music, such as:

When I think about it...I mean really think about it. I'm okay. I'll be okay, as I've always been. After all, life goes on. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Too Horny to Function?

Brilliant, Arwind. Brilliant. You've simply outdone yourself.

One minute you talk about love, and the next you go jumping right into another man's dick. On the way home you begin to understand yourself. And why you did it.

It's not because you're too horny to function. Not because you've always liked him since PE class...in your underfuckinggraduate days. Not even because he's another notch in your goddamn bedpost.

It's because you're fucked up. You think you're so smart? Well, then, why did it take you long enough to realize that everything for you is a chase? Everything is about making another person fall for you, about the same time you *think* you fall for him.

And for what?

To make you feel good about yourself. It's where you get your motherfucking self-esteem. The idea that you're so desirable and sought after? You have this sad notion that you can only get it by making other people fall in love with you. People you find attractive. People other people like. People who have too much, even too little, love to give.

And when it's all done...once your little game is complete, you finally make your great escape. Actually, no. Escaping isn't enough; you just have to hurt the other so badly he's probably wounded beyond comprehension. At that point you realize that you didn't get the affirmation you wanted after all. And once again you're on prowl for your next prey. All for the feel-good sensation that only lasts for a fleeting moment. You're on drugs, except that you've never actually tried drugs.

There is no escape. It is an endless cycle of wanting love, getting it, and being too fucked up to stare at it straight in the face.

So. You don't know love. You don't have any business with love. You don't get to say love.

Arwind's Christmas Wishlist and Ramblings

This is the thing I do. I like someone so much and fall head over heels for the first two weeks or so. Then I start slapping myself silly, with a reminder that I have to snap out of whatever silly frenzy I am in.

I'm trying to fight it this time. So badly. I need to know that I can start something like this and commit to it. And that I won't bail out whenever he's late for thirty minutes and I won't give him the cold shoulder for hours. That I will stay even if it gets too overbearing for my own good sometimes. I need to know that I'm capable of loving this amazing guy.

***

I'm officially on Christmas break. I have no clear vision of what I'll be doing for two weeks, which seem like an eternity for someone who always has his hands full. Back in college, I always had a job or a tournament to preoccupy myself on breaks like this. Not since law school, where I've committed these breaks to a long and dreary period of nothingness. At least until I finally get a job and attend evening law classes.

My frequent pessimism aside, I actually like Christmas. No, I love Christmas! To date, I have completed all five dawn masses... four more and I'm bound to complete another set. Why am I doing this? It's not so much about the wish as it is about the feeling of actually committing myself to something and finishing it. Obviously, I have troubling commitment issues. But yeah, it's probably about the "wish"...

So what do I want for Christmas?

I've received, so far:

Fancy binder clips

Post-it

Soft Grips

Ugh. Who am I kidding? All these came from one person, my best friend, who also had the generosity to give me a weird polo one size smaller than me. The polo is weird because it is adorned by little red flowers and vines. And it is one size smaller because, well, I've become fat.

I'd have you know that these are also the best three gifts I received. I also got the following from our block kris kringle: a bunch of trolls for cute and fluffy, a chocolate-container for long and hard, a box of condoms for wild and sexy, and an undated planner for the final gift. They also came from a blockmate I'm beginning to dislike. There's no real reason why I dislike her, except that she always has her eyebrows furrowed, with an annoying comment about anything and anyone. It came to a point where I deliberately changed the topic to something she totally won't be able to relate to, just so she would shut up. Sue me.

Oh wait! My sister made me pick something she'd pay for. I chose a jock jacket...and a very warm and fuzzy one at that. The fact that I like it so much means that people should probably just give me money to buy gifts for myself.

***

So now to the real deal. What do I really want this Christmas?

I know this will fall on deaf ears since nobody here actually knows me, but I'm going to go ahead and post Arwind's Practical Wishlist:

I hate when I run out of these whenever I'm in QC. What I hate more? Being compelled to wash my underwear because I won't have any to wear on Friday next.

This is something I really need...and probably won't get. I want a small and compact one, because I learned from my mistakes, ie getting the humongous Starbucks planner last year. That planner and I... it just didn't work.

And no, I don't mean the fancy pillows meant to be given as gifts. I want a pillow in the basic sense of the object. A PILLOW! Why won't anyone give me a decent pillow? :(

Because I watched the movie twice in the theater and loved it. I actually cried to it, and found the lead in his alien form...hot.

These are glass coasters, if you didn't know. I need and want them so I know I can place my glasses wherever I want to without fear of getting water marks on wherever I place them. Yes, fear. The real and foreboding kind.

I love fantasy books! After reading the first one of the series earlier this year, I am finally ready to read the next one. What I lack is the actual book. Hehe.

So you see, these are fairly inexpensive gifts that for some reason nobody got for me. It makes me sad, but then I remember how I gave out nothing either. So there. A christmas wishlist. First time I made something like this in my lifetime.

Questions. And Answers

Hello, old friend. There's probably no need to say this: it finally happened. That time when I am slipping away from you, simply because I'm too busy not being busy. I'm too busy smelling the roses.

To make up for the lost time, let me answer some few basic questions.

Is he the one?

I don't know...possibly...probably. I still can't brush off the uncomfortable feeling of having to trust myself completely, even partially in fact, to another person. The idea of being in love, a surrender of one's self to another, is an old-age practice. But every time I try to fall deeper I fear that I might hurt myself.

The funny thing is...I know he won't. I'd probably hurt him a lot more than he would do me. In fact I've probably hurt him already more than I realize it.

The fact remains. I like him. Maybe I love him already, but I'm being too smart to get there. Then again, maybe this is the grand karma for all things past.

How's school?

It's crazy. In the midst of all this plagiarism issue, I honestly don't know where I should place myself. When I had him as a mentor last semester, I only remember ill feelings toward him. But who can hate a person who stands up for justice?

When I blog I try to keep as little legalese out of my content as possible. Allow me to stress the apparent though: justice in the Philippines is in the hands of fifteen people who acts like gods and use flawed reason to get what they want. Quite depressing and disheartening for an aspiring lawyer like me.

Also I've finally decided to take evening classes. It will push my plans back by one year, but this is the only way I think I can live for the next few years. By being somewhere else. Or something else other than a law student.

Slowly, Carefully

It's very strange, how life can take a 360 degree turn and completely surprise you by how perfectly placed everything can be in the end.

All I remember is... for the past few days, I have been arranging for a date for my friend, passively and actively talking to people I am introduced to in hopes of finding a "connection", reciting and studying for the next day, and so on.

Somehow, in the middle of all this tedium, the divine forces managed to squeeze in someone I can relate and vice versa. Someone who, for some pleasant reason, just fits. So far, at least.

And so, I begin to believe that I'm actually getting a shot at feeling something real. But I know better than to jump in the middle of an initial surge of passion. So for as long as I can take it, I will not hold hands, kiss, say too sweet a word. I am not going to compare it to some movie I would like my life to be similar to.

I want to be very careful. I will just let it be :)