Everything's Alright

Last night, boyfriend and I were studying at a coffee shop near the university. I was engrossed in my readings, stopping only to reply with excitement to my friend in law school. The exchange of messages was hilarious, and I couldn't be happier for finding a new friend who more or less shares the same dilemmas as I. The exchange went on until such a point where I no longer felt the desire to reply.

After classes, he sent this long message, telling me that he wished I could reply with as much vigor as I replied to my friend.

As always, he was being a drama king. But there was also a part of me that felt guilty. He was somehow true. I was getting irritable toward him, not because I loved him less, but because I somehow channeled my frustrations to him, who's always there for me. I don't hold his hand as much anymore, not because I dislike his finger intertwining with mine, but because I don't need the warmth to know that I'm still very much in love with him. And sometimes, we would be together for hours without sharing a substantial conversation--I like the silence in his company.

I realize, of course, that I'm being selfish. That his needs don't exactly fit mine, and I somehow have to make room for what we both want. I went back to how we got together, and I realized that he left his ex for me. Because he thought I could love him more. He can see now that that's not the case.

So maybe he'll leave me. That would depress the shit out of me, but I'd fight for with whatever few weapons and resources I have.

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A month ago, I wouldn't have imagined myself poring over hundreds of cases and memorizing provisions through and through. It's amazing how you change because circumstances force you to.

So I guess I'm finally adjusting. I still can tolerate the terrorism only to a certain degree, but thankfully, I'm moving forward.

Sad, alone, and everything in between

On my way home from school, I called up my mom. I told her I got a 5.0 in my recitation. She told me it was okay, and that we all falter down sometime. Before that, I was trying my best to pull myself together. I thought I was immune to the scathing remarks and insults of professors. But I was not.

Isn’t it odd how one decision can turn your life around? I thought law school would be difficult. But I was wrong. This is… this is something I can’t even describe.

She told me I can try next time, and that what happened was totally fine. There was no disappointment in her voice. There was only understanding.

And yet, that alone was enough to make me tremble. That alone was enough to make me feel all the pain and sadness I’ve been trying to suppress.

I went straight to my room. And I cried.

Another Depressing Entry

Before law school, I’d never been away from home for longer than a week. That wasn’t such a big deal, because I knew I had a place to come home to.

Not this time. Living in a boarding house near school, I almost couldntn't--and still can't--endure the distance from my family. I'm the type of gay that's close to his parents and siblings. The more or less permanent distance made me realize that, from that point on, my life had changed forever. True enough, it had.

And that’s when I cried really, really hard for the first time in a looong while. That night was followed by so many nights of depression and hopelessness, where tears just wouldn't stop running.

I was about to do just that again last night. I was shit scared of getting shouted at and insulted again. But, unlike the previous times I cried over law school, I sucked it up and kept on reading. That night, I told my boyfriend how this entire thing was so hard and how terrified I was of getting a failed recitation grade again. I also had a brief conversation with a classmate who said she didn't want to go further. I finished 3 out of the 15 assigned readings that day.

None of it came up in the class discussion, and I was lucky enough not to be called. That, despite the fact that more than half of the class was absent. Most of us are just so burned out.

The point is. I’m still away from home. The circumstances are just as depressing. But I learned a few things in my first month in law school: that pain, mockery and shame are all necessary, that I could always quit and go to another law school, and that I should never let go of myself.

That's precisely why I started this blog. This is undoubtedly the hardest phase of my life, and I need to be able to move forward by venting this all out of my system.

Failure is not a fucking option.