I told myself I'd spend the Holy Week trying to figure out if this was really what i wanted. Do i really want to become a lawyer? I'm almost halfway through yet i'm wondering if i can take two more years of studying every night for the next day's bunch of cases and laws, of walking right through the door and scrambling for cases i wasn't able to read the previous night, of the constant fear of failing. I am aware that studying may for all i know be a lot different from practice.
but i've been told that the practice doesn't get any better--because then you'd realize how blatantly the law is being violated. and how one by one, or perhaps even all at once, your ideals start to crumble in the mess that is the legal system.
Just last week, we interviewed a labor union for our paper in Labor law. We were supposed to look beyond the fallo of a decision by the courts, and explore the soundness of their decision. The case involved a bunch of employees laid off by a company in apparently unjust terms. Years have passed, but the employees related their pain as if it only happened yesterday. All the while I was thinking to myself--that was the pain they'd had to endure for years.
And, maybe, I think, for some insanely ideal reason, that's the pain I am capable of preventing should I continue with this track. I'm not even sure that's the track I'd veer towards (because a selfish side of me just wants a hell lot of money), but the chance of being able to effect change? Just to be able to have that tiny chance.... I figured it might be damn worth it.
I don't think I'm a bad person. But I know I've done bad things when I was all stressed and worked up during school days. I was mean to my friends and shut them down, I was always in a bad mood, and I was especially hard on myself. During those days, all I had to keep me going were the wrong reasons for staying. I'd just keep at it like a robot, not thinking of why I was where I was. I forgot how much I hated unfairness and how capable I am of empathizing with people. I'm working on getting that back.
I should write this down, I told myself. Because I know that in a few week's time, I'd be asking myself why the hell I allowed myself to go through all this mess. If that happens then, I won't tell any of my friends because they're just as jaded and I don't want to sound cheesy, given my recent record of not disclosing what I truly feel to pretty much everyone I know and love. So for now, I will write this all down. And for now, I will watch Desperate Housewives for as long as I want and try to prevent this stupid zit from surfacing.