Habits

It takes 21 days to form a habit. But it took me much less than that to know that I wanted you. I don’t know how or why… I just knew.  After several failed relationships and random dates, by now I’ve developed the uncompromising ability of knowing whether something will work or not. And for a while I thought nothing would work out, until you came. And I didn’t have to wait 21 days to know you’d be a habit I’d be having a hard time forgetting.

Is it because I’m a visual person? Is that the reason why I’m unable to erase the memories off my mind? Is there any other explanation why I keep remembering the smallest most random things for the past four months? Because believe me, I tried. I am trying like hell to forget. I am trying to forget that we once held hands in your car. Or maybe twice. Probably thrice. I almost quit on you, because it hurt too much when you told me you could never choose me, choose this life. I said it was fine with me, then you told me you’d leave sooner or later—probably sooner. Then I said it was fine with me—that’s what I’m trying to forget.

Because kissing you was always better than the last one, and because every now and then you’d do something that would just cut right through me, and because, I swear to God I only wanted you to be happy.   So yeah, it was fine with me, really, because I wouldn’t trade the feeling of having you for anything, not even knowing that you’d leave me anyway.

I think I read into every word you said, every little thing you did—and I did—too much. Were you getting bored? Was I in too deep? Is it too obvious? Am I caring too much? Am I giving you too much credit for who you really are? Are you finally going to choose me? Am I crossing the vague line beyong loving you at the expense of hurting myself? Is there even such a thing as too much?

You see, it was never in my nature to just let go. I was never the type to just go with the flow, and throw to luck the off-chance that we might be together some day. But I guess that’s exactly what I did. I see now how stupid that is, because how can you choose a life you’re ashamed of? How can you choose a person you can’t be proud of?

So yeah. I want to forget. I badly, crazily, unreservedly want to forget.

But if I could? I’d gladly do it all over again.

3 Artists

One of the hobbies I have been able to sustain is listening to and scouting for new music. I think it's one of the things that got me through my Final exams month without going crazy, considering that I had been almost always alone during those days.

Let me share three artists I've discovered over the past weeks:

1. Birdy. If I'm not mistaken I've listened to this song a hundred times already, and to her entire album just as many times. Her rendition of this Postal Service song broke my heart, once I sat down and tried to figure out what it was all about.

As I understand it, the song talks about being kept a secret lover and eventually being left alone. By the end of the song, the artist realizes, "I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving." Her voice and melody are simply beautiful, and the start of this song was simply heartbreaking for me.

2. Lana Del Rey. Her voice and her live performances and her beauty all come together to form what comes off to me as a sad and haunting artist. This song, I think, is pretty straightforward. It talks about how Lana struggled so hard to finally get on the radio and how she's loving her success so far. The song mentions cinnamon a couple of times and that's enough reason for me to love this song. Haha.

3. Mumford & Sons. Mumford & Sons isn't exactly a recent discovery, but I found a compilation of their unreleased songs recently and it's been on loop ever since. This song comes from their first studio album. It  talks about, well, what happens after the storm. There's an obvious gospel angle to this, which makes me love it even more.

Obviously, this post is a sad little attempt at talking about something I can't talk about to other people who are simply not as passionate and interested in the music I listen to.

And just let me add, I've been really happy--or should I say content--the past days. There's nothing like the thrill of learning something new and being genuinely interested in it. I wake up everyday with a sense of purpose as to what I want to do and how I will do it. I'm (finally) slowly getting over my fears, maybe because some of them have been realized and I'm still alive. I think I'm finally out of my dark cloud and ready to start doing happy things :)

Cold and maybe okay with it

This morning, I checked my Facebook account and found out through one of my Facebook groups that the little circle of high school friends I am part of (or used to be part of) will be going on a summer trip. I didn’t realize there were any plans at all, until it occurred to me that I hadn’t been checking out my account for quite a while.

We were a group of 11 friends and ever since we graduated from high school, they would get together. I never went to any, except one or two I think. My non-attendance was not a conscious effort on my part, but I somehow found a legitimate excuse not to go in one way or another. And at some point I guess they just got fed up and labeled me as the guy who was always absent. That said, I think it’s polite of them to invite me to their Facebook group.

I can’t tell when it began, but I can say now that I’ve mastered the art of small talk, of revealing just enough for people to think that I’m close friends with them, and of being utterly superficial. I’ve somehow ingrained in my mind that friendship can only go so far and although having deeper relationships with my friends has crossed my mind, I don’t think they have the same thing in mind. To be honest, I don’t like the idea of giving away my secrets, only for them to use it against me sometime in the future.

But I do reveal myself every now and then, only to a very few people I trust. I talk about my deepest insecurities and fears which I won’t even dream of letting anyone know, I let loose and stop trying to make an impression, and I just let my guard down. Often that person is the one I’m currently seeing. I realize how dangerous that is, because history has shown that my relationship with that person never works out. This leaves me with a terribly bitter aftertaste—that who I really am won’t ever be enough to make anyone stay. Sometimes I feel so alone in my thoughts, but then I’ve conditioned myself to thinking, aren’t we all alone anyway?

I know all the lectures that go with this kind of problem—that you’re smart, you shouldn’t be so cold and secretive, that you should open up more, etc. What these lectures don’t tell you is how to begin. Because I sure as hell don’t know how to—or if I even want to. Because I don’t want anyone to think that I need saving…I don’t. And because once I try to take a step forward, I realize that hey, I’m not in such a bad place after all.

Change

I told myself I'd spend the Holy Week trying to figure out if this was really what i wanted. Do i really want to become a lawyer? I'm almost halfway through yet i'm wondering if i can take two more years of studying every night for the next day's bunch of cases and laws, of walking right through the door and scrambling for cases i wasn't able to read the previous night, of the constant fear of failing. I am aware that studying may for all i know be a lot different from practice.

but i've been told that the practice doesn't get any better--because then you'd realize how blatantly the law is being violated. and how one by one, or perhaps even all at once, your ideals start to crumble in the mess that is the legal system.

Just last week, we interviewed a labor union for our paper in Labor law. We were supposed to look beyond the fallo of a decision by the courts, and explore the soundness of their decision. The case involved a bunch of employees laid off by a company in apparently unjust terms. Years have passed, but the employees related their pain as if it only happened yesterday. All the while I was thinking to myself--that was the pain they'd had to endure for years.

And, maybe, I think, for some insanely ideal reason, that's the pain I am capable of preventing should I continue with this track. I'm not even sure that's the track I'd veer towards (because a selfish side of me just wants a hell lot of money), but the chance of being able to effect change? Just to be able to have that tiny chance.... I figured it might be damn worth it.

I don't think I'm a bad person. But I know I've done bad things when I was all stressed and worked up during school days. I was mean to my friends and shut them down, I was always in a bad mood, and I was especially hard on myself. During those days, all I had to keep me going were the wrong reasons for staying. I'd just keep at it like a robot, not thinking of why I was where I was. I forgot how much I hated unfairness and how capable I am of empathizing with people. I'm working on getting that back.

I should write this down, I told myself. Because I know that in a few week's time, I'd be asking myself why the hell I allowed myself to go through all this mess. If that happens then, I won't tell any of my friends because they're just as jaded and I don't want to sound cheesy, given my recent record of not disclosing what I truly feel to pretty much everyone I know and love. So for now, I will write this all down. And for now, I will watch Desperate Housewives for as long as I want and try to prevent this stupid zit from surfacing.

A conversation

do you see yourself with someone who's going to leave? At a time when you can't afford emotional instability?

my analogy goes something like this. if someone you love only had a number of days left to live (say, family) because of a terminal disease, will you just withdraw, move on, para di ka mahirapan? No. Wouldn't you want to spend as much time as you can with him or her and just simply appreciate those moments?

For what it's worth, I wouldn't be able to leave anyway. Because for all the differences and the disappointments, and the good in himself that he might not even realize, it all just works out. He's enough. 

How to be happy

I am happy.

I know I’ll find a reason to be slightly depressed or disappointed over something for one reason or another. I know it’s been almost two days since we’ve stopped talking for circumstances beyond our control. In the fairly near future, this tiny paradise we’ve created over the course of ninety days will probably crumble—and I’ll more likely be banging my head against the wall for not stopping when I had the chance….

But I am happy. For the past three months and counting, I wake up, think about a ton of things to do for the day and somewhere along I remember how alive I feel again.

I can barely remember a thing from the past year aside from studying getting depressed studying being alone studying, and never measuring up to my goals. The school year was off to a terrible start to say the least (a topic I will set aside for future documentation), and a blurry haze of guys came and left. I felt nothing for any of them and, for a while, I thought I would never try again. I would never just jump and go for it.

But I did. And once I laid all my cards on the table, it just felt right: to let the guy who's vastly different but similar, full of life and happiness, in. To be honest, it's unlike everything I've been in before. But once I wore my heart on my sleeve even for just this one person, it started to just happen. Happiness poured in.