Let Me Gloat

Today I got a letter:

(Proof of how I couldn't edit photos even if my life depended on it)

It was an invitation for a summer internship program from what apparently is one of the biggest law firms in the country. Yay? I'm having second thoughts about pursuing this though because: my usual bouts of insecurities are kicking in, and I just want to have one long summer of doing absolutely nothing.

Still, it's pretty cool to be one of the "top" law students, as per last school year. Haha! I'm not sure I can do the same this year, so I better boast now, or I won't ever get the chance.

Ohhh by the way, I went on a date yesterday. He was nice, and he kept me interested throughout the entire thing. And also, that was one of the few dates I actually cared about, in that I had the decency to brush my teeth, comb my hair, and look long and hard in front of the mirror before meeting him. All that right after I got out of my terror class.

Anyway, this guy I'm talking about is a friend of a friend. He's not exactly my type--but I find myself waiting for his texts. I know better than to show too much interest though, because I know myself. And I know for a fact that this is just one of those times where I want another person to badly like me, and ignore him the moment he does. Hah. The point is that I don't want to play another round of my senseless affirmation-seeking game.

Which is why this quote from one of my favorite authors is appropriate in describing who (or what) I am:

I wanted it, I wanted it, I wanted it, but the moment it was mine it ceased to interest me.

I wonder when that one person who'll never cease to interest me will come... I mean, really, is that so much to ask for?

And have I mentioned that I ran into my ex earlier this week? My friends and I were in the mall, both of whom know of this recent relationship. Then just like that, he appeared out of nowhere, our eyes met, and we both gave a brief glance and mouthed 'hi' with our lips. And that was it. The first time we saw each other since we last broke up six months ago. Ahh, six months. This month's also that month last year where we started talking to each other after college.

What did I feel when I saw him? First I panicked at the thought that he might have seen me look all stressed. Next I noticed how he got fatter since we last saw each other. And last, I remembered how I ran into him in the same mall when we were still in a relationship. He was with his family and he couldn't bring himself to walk away for five minutes just to talk to him. And I was there looking at him from a distance. Because I was stupid. Yes, my heart thumped for a few minutes and for a while I couldn't understand what I was feeling. And yes, I pondered on the possibility that I was probably still in love with him. But no, I realized that what I felt was no longer love, but a nostalgia of how we were and what we used to be. And just like that, closure from within has been re-affirmed.

My life is boring

I wasn't surprised when somebody else said it out loud.

My life is boring. I wake up, I go to the library (and sometimes, for good measure, grab a quick breakfast in a convenience store or wherever), attend class, study right after, go to a coffee shop near my place to study, then go home to my empty apartment. I no longer log in to Facebook as often as I used to--which means that I practically dissolved the last strand of my sorry social life. Just yesterday, I forgot my cellphone and didn't even bother worrying if anybody was looking for me; in fact I was quite happy, because not having it with me meant that I didn't have to talk with someone who's been annoying me for quite a while.

When I got home to check my phone, I had a few messages, one of which was from a guy I used to date asking me out for dinner. Her friend texted me too, asking me to come out with the guy. I deleted the messages and went on with my life.

I'm not exactly miserable. But I must admit, I do get sad every now and then, if only for the sheer lack of people to talk to about life, the music that I like, the movies that I love, and everything else in between. If only for the lack of something to look forward to, except a recitation or an exam. 

I've always taken a sense of curiosity with the fact that some gay men seem to have much more colorful love lives than I do. I'm surely not that abominable. Why hasn't anyone been asking me out?! No sooner than I ask this question do I realize the reason why: I don't socialize; I stay at home on Friday and Saturday nights; I watch movies alone; and, the game of flirting has become a tired exercise for me. 

This is not a call for help. This isn't even a call for friends to come over. This is simply an admission that I need something else in my life aside from my law books and my pride. So maybe I should do something new, try to make a few changes in my life. But how do I do that without losing the essence of who I am in the process?

An attempt at conversation

I haven't been talking much, have I?

In the past few months, I saw myself careening through the stress of final exams. In retrospect, I don't think I've ever studied that hard and that long. I'm honestly amazed at myself--at how I woke up everyday at 8:30 AM and never stopped studying until it was time to sleep.

But what's even more amazing is how my priorities gradually shifted. In the early months of the semester I saw myself dating around, trying my luck on finding a partner that could possibly replace the last. And then, just like that, I stopped.

I stopped trying not to be alone. Stopped caring that my ex found a replacement less than a week after we broke up. Stopped caring about physical and emotional imperfections that he would carelessly point out every now and then. I just stopped. And thank God I did.

**

So what have I been up to lately? Aside from reading books, working, and spending time with my family in what little free time I have, I also watch movies. Just the other day I watched there was a filmfest in Greenbelt. I watched with my sister, and ended up getting free tickets to this film:

The film portrays a modern Italian guy's attempt at making his family understand homosexuality. It's so much more than that, of course, so you'll have to go find a copy of the film yourself. What I can say is that it's a great film that personally made me laugh and realize a lot of things.

So I guess I'll see you around then?