Dropping and Rebelling

I don't know what's gotten into me.

If there's one thing my boyfriend hates, that's me talking to my ex's. I can totally understand him. I would prohibit my then boyfriends from talking to their ex's just the same. The extent of my boyfriend's disapproval, however, is so much stronger. He even goes as far as find ways to hate them: look at our previous conversations deeply buried in my inbox and even check my phone incessantly. I hated and respected it, his disapproval.

But something's bothering me. For the past two days, I managed to talk to my two ex's, both of whom celebrated their birthdays over the weekend. It was a casual conversation about our current lives--not once did I hide the fact that I am happily in a relationship.

What I did begs the question though: why did I do it?

I have a number of theories, but I'd rather not dwell on them. What I know with certainty, however, is that I probably won't tell this to him. He'd freak out and make a big deal out of it.

Over the weekend, I've also made up my mind: I'm going to drop a minor subject. It's not so much the difficulty of the subject that's driving me crazy; it's that I have to. Or at least I think I do.

You see, this is a major decision I'm making. As a friend of mine says, I've been a 'titleholder' for so long that I just refuse to give up the fight this early. The fight, meaning the possibilities of graduating with Latin honors and all that. Possibilities which, from where I'm standing, are but a mere hopeless thought. I thought long and hard about how I graduated with top honors and how I loved what getting them did to my ego.

But then, do these really matter? Do these matter compare to the ultimate objective of understanding how it is to be a lawyer? And to help? Maybe not. Or maybe I'm just rationalizing.

Deep within me, I know the real reason why I'm doing this. In my own acute, probably inconsequential kind of way, I'm rebelling against the system. A system that has institutionalized cruelty. It's one thing to say that the world out there is much more cruel and harsh; it's another thing to say that the cruelty of the 'real' world justifies the cruelty they're doing to us.

This is UP. But was UP ever meant to be like this? I remember telling my mom that if I don't pass this exam, I might as well not study law anymore. That was my pride talking. And dropping? This is my pride being crushed.

I'm dropping this subject because I'm tired of being scared all the time. I'm dropping, but I'm not totally quitting, because then I would've stopped going through this altogether. I'm dropping, because I want to release a part of myself trapped in the unjust but legitimate system of law school. I want not just more time to study, but a bit of time for my family, to talk to them a bit more at night.

There are many things I want, but so little that I am allowed to take. As for what I'm required to give up? Everything. My job, my time for my boyfriend, my family, my friends.

Myself?

I don't want to lose myself.

And that's really why I'm dropping.

Three

It was our third monthsary. The mere thought of it made staying in the library for late nights (read: until closing time) bearable. I knew that at the end of the tunnel, I was going to be with him. The mere thought of it made all the stress of the days prior to the day livable.

We had been fighting intensely on my way to the mall from school. What irked me was that I had to travel for an hour or so just to get to him, at the expense of the time I could use for studying. His text messages were cold and indifferent, a sign that he was getting impatient of waiting for me.

X: You don't understand. You pretend you do, but you never do.

Y. Ang sakit mo naman magsalita. Ilang beses na kitang hinintay pero kailangan ako nagreklamo? Ilang beses ako nagmukhang tanga habang nagbabasa ka, pero may sinabi ba ko?

I had to hear that to realize that I was being an asshole.

So thanks, because that's the perfect monthsary gift I could ever ask for.

PS. I realize I am losing my passion in writing, like everything else that I'm losing: my sanity, my patience, my money, etc. There are even some stark grammatical errors in my past entries. Sad, but there you go.

Our 3rd Monthsary, Among Other Law School Issues

I officially quit my job and am now living off my parents' salary. It's kinda sad, considering that I was a relatively high-earning student back then and can buy anything that I wanted. I needed to do that: free up what little is left of my time to breathe and sleep, at the very least.

In other news, I'd like to think I'm sort of adjusting. I get to read more than half of the readings assigned in class, and I don't get shouted at as often. I don't look at my notebook of motivations as often as before. And whenever I have doubts of whether or not I really wanted this, I just look back at how badly I wanted to pass that entrance exam:

I knew passing was a long shot, and I made my odds even slimmer by breaking up with my then boyfriend and not getting a wink of sleep the night before the examinations. My ex even threatened to get back at me and said all sorts of nasty things that he said he'd bring out in the open (and being the indifferent person that I was, and still am, I told him to do whatever he wanted). I completed all nine night masses and visited every church in sight to ask God to give me this. I'm not about to throw it away because it's hard.

Getting a 5.0 and crying after class is regular for our class now. It happens too regularly that we forget that it's not normal. They shouldn't be treating us like this, but what can we do? No one can reprimand them, much less tell them off.

The only redeeming factor for all these difficulty is that we're celebrating our 3rd monthsary later this week. There's no grand celebration or anything, just the two of us. That's a lot more than I can ask for.