It can get so strong that it consumes me. I asked him how he does it, and he told me he busies himself with movies and books.
See, I can't do the same. because it's the kind of sadness that paralyzes me. It pains me that I can't really talk about it to anyone. It pains me even more that I have to purposely stop and forget something that meant so much to me.
A doctor told me the only way to deal with pain is to do just that: deal with it. I didn't really understand what she meant, but what I know for sure is I can't keep trying to put the memories in a tiny box and pushing it farther and farther off my mind. Trying to forget...it just doesn't work anymore. The only thing it does is give you a temporary calm. Trying to soak all the sadness in... it only ends up drowning me.
Then when you think you've moved on and stopped thinking about him...There it goes again. That fucking memory of just talking in the car trying to sort things out. Or of kissing like fucking teenagers. Or plainly fucking and making love.
I didn't think it was possible for me be in too deep.
I'd like to get out. But I'd love to crawl back in.