Friday, May 18, 2012

Free falling

Looking back at some of my blog posts, I realize that I’ve allowed myself to be sad for too long. Yeah, I’d have brief bouts of happiness, but they’d be overcome by long stretches of sadness in between. I even started to welcome the sadness right in, if only because there was a slight chance that I’d be happy at some indeterminate point in the future.

I’m still sure ending the recent pseudorelationship was the mature-slash-the-right thing to do. I’m telling you, it sure took a hell lot of guts, to see someone you care for leave. I was so sure that was it. I was watching the one walk away.

But I agreed to do it anyway, not because I wanted him to run after me—that wasn’t even in my wildest dreams—but because I knew I had to stop myself from sinking deeper into sadness just so I can get a few minutes of happiness. I don’t know exactly what love means, just that it’s supposed to hurt sometimes. And I was in pain pretty much half the time.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” I never really understood what this meant. Now I understand that maybe it’s about allowing yourself to take all the pain that comes along with the love. For a while I was willing to take both the pain and the love in, but then it became unbearable and I had to grapple for the exit sign faster than I could hold my breath. 

Now that someone’s taking me along on another ride, I can’t help but wonder if this is the kind of love I deserve.

He’s incredible (only because I have no other word for it) in every way, and everything’s been great, and (again, for a lack of better word) I’m just happy…That’s precisely why I can’t help but ask: Isn’t this much more than what I should be getting? Am I way out of my league? Am I too unsure? A little too rash? Taking things a bit too fast?

You see, I’d been sad for quite a while and I’m not even used to writing about how happy I am. And the moment I start becoming genuinely happy, I start doubting myself. And the nagging thought that this is not permanent or that I’ll be sad soon starts creeping in.  I won’t even try to deny it: I’m scared.

But. It looks like things are finally looking up. Maybe I finally get to be happy. Maybe it’s finally about time I stop second guessing myself and just fucking go for it. Maybe it’s time to free fall. 


  1. always remember YOLO (You Only Live Once)

  2. Go for it. You truly deserve to be happy.