Friday, February 17, 2012

Keeping myself sane

My ex, the one I was in a relationship with the longest, and I talked last night. Throughout the course of our conversation, we happened to talk about how we used to be as a couple.

I asked him about how I was as a boyfriend. He recalled how much I was in love, how swept off my feet I was. And in those moments, I did make him feel like he was the only person I would love.

He talked to me about how he would text me the plate number of the bus he was in, so I could wait for it in the bus stop and we could be together on our way to school. It didn’t matter if we were going to be 45 minutes late for my 8 AM class and that I might possibly miss a quiz, which I did for a number of times; what mattered was that we were together on our way to school.

He reminded me of my “grand gestures”  and how we met secretly after class, because we couldn’t risk anyone seeing us. But we did end up risking everyone seeing us.

Then he told me how fragile my love was. How I tolerated the difficulties at first but ultimately let go because of them. There were certain things I just couldn’t look past at, and it ultimately led to the demise of the relationship. That was one mistake he did, and it was one mistake that drove me away. And I never looked back hence.

I wasn’t surprised by this, since it seems to have become a habit of mine when it comes to relationships. There are certain things that must be corrected in the relationship, lest I fall out of love. I may not know myself well enough, but that’s always been my breaking point—whenever the going gets a little too tough for me, I get out of it altogether.

I didn’t need to hear it from him, but I needed his confirmation. I needed to hear his words. Because that’s precisely what I need right now—to take comfort in the fact that once in the far future, I will be able to move forward and get a hold of myself.  That I can forget and never look back and maybe if I’m lucky, be delusional  enough to believe that relationships like this can work. It’s what I need to keep myself sane.

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