Christmas issues

To say that I love Christmas would be an understatement. From the cold weather, the nine dawn masses (which I’ve successfully completed in between rushing for last-minute law-related stuff and parties), the rabid anticipation as the clock strikes twelve and everybody in the family gathers for the Noche Buena, the opening of gifts, to the general feeling of gratitude for having a complete and tightly knit family…. Christmas has always been a reminder of how good life gets.

But this Christmas is different for a certain reason.

My sister, to whom I am very close, will be leaving for work abroad early next year. It’s what she always wanted, and with the miserable state of employment here in the country, there isn’t really any other choice, is it?

Her leaving means that I’ll lose the last strand of any semblance of a social life that I have. I did mention before that I live a very routinary life, mainly composed of staying in my apartment for the school days and going home on the weekends. During these days we’d banter around, talk about our common sphere of interests, and do crazy stuff together whenever time permits. So yes, she’s my sister and, at the risk of being teased by her on the off-chance that she reads this, my best friend.

Oh sister, how will I manage without you around? You’re one of the few if not the only one who understands my jokes, who actually cares, and who’s just there. So tell me, what do I do now?

***

At the risk of being called insensitive, of course I am deeply sad about the plight of the Sendong victims. The problem is I haven’t done anything of note to actually help—and this is what gets me. I feel the need to do something more than empty words and donations. But what, exactly?  I am at a loss.

My prayers are with them.

***

Oh boy. Look at the date. Around these days last year I was getting to know a certain someone. We eventually got into a relationship, which lasted for a little less than six months and which was my last relationship.

For the record, I really did think that he was the one. I guess I should say sorry to myself. I’m pretty sure I’m romanticizing and reading more into the relationship than I should be, but I really did think that was the one.

Of course I’ve moved on, but what bothers me is my complete inability to make a connection. Dates can be a chore; I find it ridiculously difficult to sustain a conversation during such—laughing on cue, responding appropriately, and so on and so forth.

To be honest I’m getting troubled. I wonder when HE will come around.

Oh, and before I forget: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Let Me Gloat

Today I got a letter:

(Proof of how I couldn't edit photos even if my life depended on it)

It was an invitation for a summer internship program from what apparently is one of the biggest law firms in the country. Yay? I'm having second thoughts about pursuing this though because: my usual bouts of insecurities are kicking in, and I just want to have one long summer of doing absolutely nothing.

Still, it's pretty cool to be one of the "top" law students, as per last school year. Haha! I'm not sure I can do the same this year, so I better boast now, or I won't ever get the chance.

Ohhh by the way, I went on a date yesterday. He was nice, and he kept me interested throughout the entire thing. And also, that was one of the few dates I actually cared about, in that I had the decency to brush my teeth, comb my hair, and look long and hard in front of the mirror before meeting him. All that right after I got out of my terror class.

Anyway, this guy I'm talking about is a friend of a friend. He's not exactly my type--but I find myself waiting for his texts. I know better than to show too much interest though, because I know myself. And I know for a fact that this is just one of those times where I want another person to badly like me, and ignore him the moment he does. Hah. The point is that I don't want to play another round of my senseless affirmation-seeking game.

Which is why this quote from one of my favorite authors is appropriate in describing who (or what) I am:

I wanted it, I wanted it, I wanted it, but the moment it was mine it ceased to interest me.

I wonder when that one person who'll never cease to interest me will come... I mean, really, is that so much to ask for?

And have I mentioned that I ran into my ex earlier this week? My friends and I were in the mall, both of whom know of this recent relationship. Then just like that, he appeared out of nowhere, our eyes met, and we both gave a brief glance and mouthed 'hi' with our lips. And that was it. The first time we saw each other since we last broke up six months ago. Ahh, six months. This month's also that month last year where we started talking to each other after college.

What did I feel when I saw him? First I panicked at the thought that he might have seen me look all stressed. Next I noticed how he got fatter since we last saw each other. And last, I remembered how I ran into him in the same mall when we were still in a relationship. He was with his family and he couldn't bring himself to walk away for five minutes just to talk to him. And I was there looking at him from a distance. Because I was stupid. Yes, my heart thumped for a few minutes and for a while I couldn't understand what I was feeling. And yes, I pondered on the possibility that I was probably still in love with him. But no, I realized that what I felt was no longer love, but a nostalgia of how we were and what we used to be. And just like that, closure from within has been re-affirmed.

My life is boring

I wasn't surprised when somebody else said it out loud.

My life is boring. I wake up, I go to the library (and sometimes, for good measure, grab a quick breakfast in a convenience store or wherever), attend class, study right after, go to a coffee shop near my place to study, then go home to my empty apartment. I no longer log in to Facebook as often as I used to--which means that I practically dissolved the last strand of my sorry social life. Just yesterday, I forgot my cellphone and didn't even bother worrying if anybody was looking for me; in fact I was quite happy, because not having it with me meant that I didn't have to talk with someone who's been annoying me for quite a while.

When I got home to check my phone, I had a few messages, one of which was from a guy I used to date asking me out for dinner. Her friend texted me too, asking me to come out with the guy. I deleted the messages and went on with my life.

I'm not exactly miserable. But I must admit, I do get sad every now and then, if only for the sheer lack of people to talk to about life, the music that I like, the movies that I love, and everything else in between. If only for the lack of something to look forward to, except a recitation or an exam. 

I've always taken a sense of curiosity with the fact that some gay men seem to have much more colorful love lives than I do. I'm surely not that abominable. Why hasn't anyone been asking me out?! No sooner than I ask this question do I realize the reason why: I don't socialize; I stay at home on Friday and Saturday nights; I watch movies alone; and, the game of flirting has become a tired exercise for me. 

This is not a call for help. This isn't even a call for friends to come over. This is simply an admission that I need something else in my life aside from my law books and my pride. So maybe I should do something new, try to make a few changes in my life. But how do I do that without losing the essence of who I am in the process?