Is this what you call a standstill?
I have so much to do: read all my backlog cases for Obligations and Contracts, a weekend away from the make-or-break exam; finish all the articles I'm supposed to do; work on a reviewer; and, pull a group together for a class presentation.
And, with all these under my belt, what exactly have I accomplished?
I'd finish all of these if I started working now, keep moving forward like I always used to, but I can't. What I inconveniently have instead are the following: a sad, splitting headache and growing insecurity--both of which I've never had in this degree before.
I have been opening my ideas and emotions less and less to people, and the only ones who are there for me...well, I can't even point out where the problem begins myself, much less point it out to them. I suppose I do have a penchant for being irrationally emotional at the most random moments.
Or am I? Are these emotions really that baseless? Am I wanted enough? Am I doing the right thing? Am I cut out for this? Do I quit? And no, I'm not just referring to one idea.
In one way or another, it's sad. My acads is the only thing I have going for me, and I'm so close to botching it up. I have to get out of this stressful pattern, really. These are one of the times when I just want to be as upfront and open about my emotions as other people are. These are one of the times when I wish I would stop being so freaking uptight.
And because I know I can't for the simple reason that I don't know how I can be, the only truth I can come up with right now is: I am on a standstill, and I must get out.
PS. This blog has gotten me through the worst times, and I think it's cool how I was able to sustain something for more than almost eight months. But it has served its purpose and is beginning to be more trouble than it's worth. One of these days I'll shut down this blog: it's a question of when, not if.