Standstill

Is this what you call a standstill?

I have so much to do: read all my backlog cases for Obligations and Contracts, a weekend away from the make-or-break exam; finish all the articles I'm supposed to do; work on a reviewer; and, pull a group together for a class presentation.

And, with all these under my belt, what exactly have I accomplished?

Nothing.

I'd finish all of these if I started working now, keep moving forward like I always used to, but I can't. What I inconveniently have instead are the following: a sad, splitting headache and growing insecurity--both of which I've never had in this degree before.

I have been opening my ideas and emotions less and less to people, and the only ones who are there for me...well, I can't even point out where the problem begins myself, much less point it out to them. I suppose I do have a penchant for being irrationally emotional at the most random moments.

Or am I? Are these emotions really that baseless? Am I wanted enough? Am I doing the right thing? Am I cut out for this? Do I quit? And no, I'm not just referring to one idea.

In one way or another, it's sad. My acads is the only thing I have going for me, and I'm so close to botching it up. I have to get out of this stressful pattern, really. These are one of the times when I just want to be as upfront and open about my emotions as other people are. These are one of the times when I wish I would stop being so freaking uptight.

And because I know I can't for the simple reason that I don't know how I can be, the only truth I can come up with right now is: I am on a standstill, and I must get out.


PS. This blog has gotten me through the worst times, and I think it's cool how I was able to sustain something for more than almost eight months. But it has served its purpose and is beginning to be more trouble than it's worth. One of these days I'll shut down this blog: it's a question of when, not if.

Firework

It's 12:10 of Saturday, and I'm studying crimes against public order. I've been reading for about five hours now, and only stopped to eat, talk for around 10 sweet minutes with him, and take the short ride home. I also listened to a few clips of American Idol, just so I can have some sort of diversion. All signs point to the fact that I will probably be staying up for a while longer: there are around 20 cases left and a good number of pages left in my Criminal Law book.

The drudgery and stress of law school, and I've mentioned this an awful lot of times already, can get unnerving. Whenever it gets to me, I try to remember what he told me: to think of the positive. And it is with such positive thoughts that I eventually feel better. I realize how lucky I should be for being here...and how even luckier I am for having him.

And when I come to think of it, there's so much more to be positive about. So fine, maybe there were days when my recitations were not at par, or when my classmates were being particularly competitive or critical. On the whole though, I'm in a pretty good place. And here's the cheesy part: I'm in love, and it feels really great!

Fine. I'm not driving at any particular point here. I guess I'm just trying to find a way to release my thoughts without having to actually interact. Everybody around me just seems so stressed lately. And also, a way to share this video I found on the Internet:

Happy Valentine's Day

I guess I let the pressure get to me. First off, let me say this little trivia: I don't ever remember worrying about Valentine's Day before. Sure, I did all the little celebratory stuff with friends and family, and at one time with a significant other when we were in a relationship. But this Valentine's Day is something else in at least three ways:

1. A group of friends in the block have this little agreement to have a Valentine's date for tomorrow. Whoever doesn't get one loses. This deal was made some months ago, and with the actual day a mere hours away, what's the result?

Zilch. None of them managed to find a date, and now they're posting all these queasy stuff in Facebook. 

2. Once I had lunch with a blockmate and M--easily one of my best friends in law school. It was one of those moments when we didn't talk about the stress of law school...they talked about something that, to me, seemed more stressful to them: the prospect of finding a husband.

They literally, categorically said that law school is the last chance for them to find a future husband. Once they graduate without a boyfriend, they said they would have to accept their fate: that they will be single lawyers forever. The more I think about it, the funnier the idea sounds--yet they were dead serious when they made the pronouncement. 

3. He and I had our advanced Valentine's celebration, and it was great in every way. But this means that we won't be celebrating tomorrow. Which means that I have a free date tomorrow, along with all the anxious souls in the block. It got pretty crazy: I even had a little fight with him about this, only until I realize the morning after that I have to be more than thankful that I have him. Every day, not just on Valentine's Day. And I guess not celebrating is the best thing to do. We're not exactly up and about, if you know what I mean.

Through it all, I don't hate Valentine's Day with the same passion my former debate partner in undergrad did. When I asked him last year what his plans for the day was, he told me that he didn't believe in commercialization and would in no way subscribe to sensationalized, Hallmark-fabricated events.

That's certainly one perspective. But really, would it hurt all the single people and those who wouldn't be able to celebrate on that day to just give happy couples a break and celebrate their love? Just a day? The alternative, I think, is much worse. Without an actual day to call Valentine's, I don't think every couple would bother to set a date for expressing their love. 

What I'm really saying is, without bitterness from an anxious guy who can't celebrate the day with the love of his life: Happy Valentine's Day! 

Of Love, Law School, and Hubert Webb

I look at the leftover Tic Tac mints you probably forgot or left on purpose. I open my ref and see the half-eaten chocolate cake you gave me. I lie on the bed thinking of how, just the night before, we were holding hands and swearing our love for each other on the very same bed.

Honestly? Learning all the complicated concepts in law school is nowhere near as difficult as dealing with this is. The former takes a considerable amount of time and effort, but the latter? It's like being stabbed right through the heart, but I know the pain is well worth it.

This is worth it, because every now and then I get to sleep and see you in my dreams--and sometimes they can be so surreal that it's more than enough to get me through the day. And on every rare occasion, I get to hear your laugh, your voice, and your genuine words. I get to kiss you in the most random moments and talk about everything...or just be quiet and watch you as you sleep. I can switch from my melodramatic to my insane self without inhibition. I know I'm lucky because I have found someone I can talk to about anything. Anything.

I mean, for someone who shuts down one's self to an awful lot of people, I'm lucky to have found someone I can easily open up to--for the simple reason that this person listens and has valid insights. For the simple reason that this is the person I love, and I want him to have and share everything of me without holding back. I'm probably not the most handsome, nor the brightest guy out there. But I surmise, and i have reasonable belief to conclude that this is true, that this is the best of who I am.

Just the idea of how perfect you are for me boggles me. The way you love and respect your family. Your talent and the humility that goes along with it. The humor. Allow me to say it's everything I wished for but never thought would come. Now that you're here, I'm just happy that we happened.

That being said, I can easily say:

1) The pain, really, is a negligible trade-off to the overwhelming and leaping feeling of happiness I'll be brave enough to say I've never experienced before;
2) Call me cheesy, but I don't think I'll ever get tired of talking about this love. I mean, when you found someone who fits perfectly out of the millions of people out there, what else is there to do?

---

The official list of passers for my college was just released. Man... that's almost one full year since I found out that I passed. What has happened to me since then?

Let me see... I graduated from college with sufficient honors. I fell in love. I got into law school. Terrorized more times than I can keep track and at one point literally couldn't sleep because of fear of the next class. I fell out of love. I got through the sem pretty well.

And...here I am in pretty good shape. Merely months ago I thought that I'd quit law school and that God was evil. But. I guess He really does have his ways beyond the limits of human reason. Really, sometimes I myself don't understand what the hell I'm staying here for, but I'm sure he wouldn't have let me passed without good reason. So I guess I move forward.

---

Hubert Webb was invited to an interview earlier today. I won't pass judgment on whether or not I think he's guilty, but there are quite a few pointers of his that I don't agree with.

First, he talked about how taking drugs is at par with heavy drinking, or casual drinking for that matter. He went on about how it shouldn't be punished, just as disobeying your parents shouldn't be. I mean, really?

Second, he commented on how lawyer's fees can get exorbitantly high. He said something to the effect of, "there's something wrong there." He had a choice, and he chose to hire the expensive lawyers. For all I know, he should've been thankful that the lawyers who worked on his case were able to help in acquitting him.

Next he talked about the fact that he's suing Alfaro for the false testimony and accounts she gave not because he wanted vindication but because the "next Jessica Alfaro" is around the corner. According to him, he was part of a conspiracy to smokescreen the prominent issues at that time and that Jessica Alfaro was paid to give a false testimony. Granted that all these are true, I thought his "noble objective" of teaching false and paid witnesses a lesson is pretty farfetched from suing Jessica Alfaro alone. Really, how would Jessica Alfaro's conviction deter other paid witnesses from giving false accounts? So please. Spare me the "I'm doing it for you" bullshit.

But what really took the cake was how he kept equating being rational to believing his side. But really, when it came right down to it, I didn't think he gave anything substantial to make me believe for or against his guilt. So how was the interview? Granted the interview questions and inappropriately informal setting for such a sensitive issue, I think it was pretty tacky and poorly handled.