Recent events

I went on a random date last Saturday. He was a nice guy, but it's no big secret I already had somebody else in mind. Why did i do it? Among a few reasons at the top of my head is the need to feel desired. Of course, there was no guarantee that my date would like me--but I'm glad he did.

He told me I was too proper and that I should open up. He told me that I should have fun, then proceeded to ask me personal questions about how I am as a lover, what I'm looking for in a partner, and things I don't really think deserve an answer on the first date. By the end of the date, he concluded that I was an abrasive guy (but strangely enough, this didn't stop him from "attaching" to me).

I know that he's not exactly right. I may not be the type to blend easily in conversations. I get annoyed at the smallest things. I don't like being forced to do things that I don't like. But give me the right person, and I'll talk about my dreams, my private thoughts, my insecurities, and my unsolicited drama. I could be someone's best.

***

I went on a funeral of a friend's mom a couple of weeks back. Forgive me for sounding self-absorbed, but don't deaths and funerals make us realize how short our time here is? It can be as soon as tomorrow on my way to school, or a few weeks as I'm writing this. Mindblowing, that we can't really ever know when our time is up.

The point is: life is short. It's a simple enough fact, but a lot of people seem to forget it, including me. Life is short, so what's the point of sweating over the small things? Life is short, so why should we worry so much about what other people think at the expense of what will really, really make us happy? Life is short, so why do we allow ourselves to go through the motions and not give the very best in every endeavor?  Why don't we pursue what we really want? Why do we permit ourselves to get hurt when it's plainly unnecessary?

It is for this reason that I've decided (1) to actively work on worthwhile relationships and people, and (2) just go for it, which really just means that I should be more spontaneous. Haha.

I just don't want to be the person who wounds up at his deathbed, regretting all the failed relationships and endeavors he could've worked out by simply trying a little bit harder.

A slight heartbreak

It's been a while since I felt this feeling--the vulnerability, annoying attachment, .the desire to know everything about a person who clearly doesn't, or can't, feel the same.

I can easily classify myself as a private person, but I just found myself pouring everything into a person who wouldn't even tell me his last name. I'm pretty sure this will come down as one of the greatest ironies in my life--liking somebody who wouldn't ever be as near to me as I want to, when there are other guys who are willing to stay,

The only logical thing to do, really, is to run for self-preservation. But I reel myself back in. It's my own doing.

It's a shame, really. I'm finally ready to try again, but fate is too unkind. I know I should start moving forward, but how do I even start? 

Christmas issues

To say that I love Christmas would be an understatement. From the cold weather, the nine dawn masses (which I’ve successfully completed in between rushing for last-minute law-related stuff and parties), the rabid anticipation as the clock strikes twelve and everybody in the family gathers for the Noche Buena, the opening of gifts, to the general feeling of gratitude for having a complete and tightly knit family…. Christmas has always been a reminder of how good life gets.

But this Christmas is different for a certain reason.

My sister, to whom I am very close, will be leaving for work abroad early next year. It’s what she always wanted, and with the miserable state of employment here in the country, there isn’t really any other choice, is it?

Her leaving means that I’ll lose the last strand of any semblance of a social life that I have. I did mention before that I live a very routinary life, mainly composed of staying in my apartment for the school days and going home on the weekends. During these days we’d banter around, talk about our common sphere of interests, and do crazy stuff together whenever time permits. So yes, she’s my sister and, at the risk of being teased by her on the off-chance that she reads this, my best friend.

Oh sister, how will I manage without you around? You’re one of the few if not the only one who understands my jokes, who actually cares, and who’s just there. So tell me, what do I do now?

***

At the risk of being called insensitive, of course I am deeply sad about the plight of the Sendong victims. The problem is I haven’t done anything of note to actually help—and this is what gets me. I feel the need to do something more than empty words and donations. But what, exactly?  I am at a loss.

My prayers are with them.

***

Oh boy. Look at the date. Around these days last year I was getting to know a certain someone. We eventually got into a relationship, which lasted for a little less than six months and which was my last relationship.

For the record, I really did think that he was the one. I guess I should say sorry to myself. I’m pretty sure I’m romanticizing and reading more into the relationship than I should be, but I really did think that was the one.

Of course I’ve moved on, but what bothers me is my complete inability to make a connection. Dates can be a chore; I find it ridiculously difficult to sustain a conversation during such—laughing on cue, responding appropriately, and so on and so forth.

To be honest I’m getting troubled. I wonder when HE will come around.

Oh, and before I forget: MERRY CHRISTMAS!