Standstill

Is this what you call a standstill?

I have so much to do: read all my backlog cases for Obligations and Contracts, a weekend away from the make-or-break exam; finish all the articles I'm supposed to do; work on a reviewer; and, pull a group together for a class presentation.

And, with all these under my belt, what exactly have I accomplished?

Nothing.

I'd finish all of these if I started working now, keep moving forward like I always used to, but I can't. What I inconveniently have instead are the following: a sad, splitting headache and growing insecurity--both of which I've never had in this degree before.

I have been opening my ideas and emotions less and less to people, and the only ones who are there for me...well, I can't even point out where the problem begins myself, much less point it out to them. I suppose I do have a penchant for being irrationally emotional at the most random moments.

Or am I? Are these emotions really that baseless? Am I wanted enough? Am I doing the right thing? Am I cut out for this? Do I quit? And no, I'm not just referring to one idea.

In one way or another, it's sad. My acads is the only thing I have going for me, and I'm so close to botching it up. I have to get out of this stressful pattern, really. These are one of the times when I just want to be as upfront and open about my emotions as other people are. These are one of the times when I wish I would stop being so freaking uptight.

And because I know I can't for the simple reason that I don't know how I can be, the only truth I can come up with right now is: I am on a standstill, and I must get out.


PS. This blog has gotten me through the worst times, and I think it's cool how I was able to sustain something for more than almost eight months. But it has served its purpose and is beginning to be more trouble than it's worth. One of these days I'll shut down this blog: it's a question of when, not if.

Firework

It's 12:10 of Saturday, and I'm studying crimes against public order. I've been reading for about five hours now, and only stopped to eat, talk for around 10 sweet minutes with him, and take the short ride home. I also listened to a few clips of American Idol, just so I can have some sort of diversion. All signs point to the fact that I will probably be staying up for a while longer: there are around 20 cases left and a good number of pages left in my Criminal Law book.

The drudgery and stress of law school, and I've mentioned this an awful lot of times already, can get unnerving. Whenever it gets to me, I try to remember what he told me: to think of the positive. And it is with such positive thoughts that I eventually feel better. I realize how lucky I should be for being here...and how even luckier I am for having him.

And when I come to think of it, there's so much more to be positive about. So fine, maybe there were days when my recitations were not at par, or when my classmates were being particularly competitive or critical. On the whole though, I'm in a pretty good place. And here's the cheesy part: I'm in love, and it feels really great!

Fine. I'm not driving at any particular point here. I guess I'm just trying to find a way to release my thoughts without having to actually interact. Everybody around me just seems so stressed lately. And also, a way to share this video I found on the Internet:

Happy Valentine's Day

I guess I let the pressure get to me. First off, let me say this little trivia: I don't ever remember worrying about Valentine's Day before. Sure, I did all the little celebratory stuff with friends and family, and at one time with a significant other when we were in a relationship. But this Valentine's Day is something else in at least three ways:

1. A group of friends in the block have this little agreement to have a Valentine's date for tomorrow. Whoever doesn't get one loses. This deal was made some months ago, and with the actual day a mere hours away, what's the result?

Zilch. None of them managed to find a date, and now they're posting all these queasy stuff in Facebook. 

2. Once I had lunch with a blockmate and M--easily one of my best friends in law school. It was one of those moments when we didn't talk about the stress of law school...they talked about something that, to me, seemed more stressful to them: the prospect of finding a husband.

They literally, categorically said that law school is the last chance for them to find a future husband. Once they graduate without a boyfriend, they said they would have to accept their fate: that they will be single lawyers forever. The more I think about it, the funnier the idea sounds--yet they were dead serious when they made the pronouncement. 

3. He and I had our advanced Valentine's celebration, and it was great in every way. But this means that we won't be celebrating tomorrow. Which means that I have a free date tomorrow, along with all the anxious souls in the block. It got pretty crazy: I even had a little fight with him about this, only until I realize the morning after that I have to be more than thankful that I have him. Every day, not just on Valentine's Day. And I guess not celebrating is the best thing to do. We're not exactly up and about, if you know what I mean.

Through it all, I don't hate Valentine's Day with the same passion my former debate partner in undergrad did. When I asked him last year what his plans for the day was, he told me that he didn't believe in commercialization and would in no way subscribe to sensationalized, Hallmark-fabricated events.

That's certainly one perspective. But really, would it hurt all the single people and those who wouldn't be able to celebrate on that day to just give happy couples a break and celebrate their love? Just a day? The alternative, I think, is much worse. Without an actual day to call Valentine's, I don't think every couple would bother to set a date for expressing their love. 

What I'm really saying is, without bitterness from an anxious guy who can't celebrate the day with the love of his life: Happy Valentine's Day!