I am okay

I know I have resolved to write here more, but several obstacles have prevented me from doing so--not the least of which is my inability to remember my password. I'd try for a couple of times, then stop trying altogether. And then I delay.

Just now I have decided to try a bit harder, and here I am, finally! :) My first update in half a year?

Try harder--that's what I failed to do here, in this makeshift journal, and that's what I fail to do with my love life. I guess I have to note here in some way that my more than two year-relationship has ended a couple of months ago. Yep. There goes my longest relationship.

I would have written a couple of things just to "honor" what we had, but the memories have mostly been forgotten, deliberately or inadvertently. Looking back, still, that will always be the benchmark by which I would measure any prospective relationship. That sounds pretty fucked up, comparing a future that has no real existence to a past that ended for the right reasons. But my ex and I, I would like to think, were doing fine. We had mutual respect for each other, and I would always be the first person to vouch for his happiness.   I would even venture to say that, despite the general inaccuracy of feelings, I loved him. Whether as a really good friend or as a romantic partner, I guess I will find out in the future. He remains to be one of the kindest and most selfless people I have ever had the honor of having cross paths with in my life.

But that's the problem. We were doing fine. We were coasting along. And I don't want to coast along. I didn't want to remember my late 20s pouring in all my time for work and for a relationship, and not knowing where and who I am. 

It's funny, because I know what I didn't want. But I don't know what I want either. And not knowing is okay.

I am okay. All things considered, I am in a pretty good place now. I know I am a relationship person, but being in a relationship for the most part of my adult life has bred in me a perennial sense of disappointment and discontent; I was always looking, asking, expecting for something more, when all I needed was to be by myself.

Don't get me wrong, though--I date. Like, a lot. Being single again after a long time of being cooped up in the relationship bubble has really opened my eyes up to all those apps. But unlike before, I don't go out there with a sense of optimism. I let things unfold and not force them to become a creature that I'd later be discontent with, in either a few weeks or a few years. This definitely means that I am more scrupulous when it comes to commitments, rarely jumping into adventures without caution, but my renewed approach to take things more cautiously despite my instinct works for me.

These days you'd see me working late nights, drinking and going out with friends, sometimes partying out, going to the gym as regularly as possible, hanging out with my family, and often just being alone watching TV series (totally hooked on Transparent, which deserves another post) or reading books after a long night. 

I honestly believe that this is the best version of myself so far. It could get better--I still have those random pangs of sadness, and I could be more financially stable, and I could do with a little less traffic driving to and from work. Of course, I could also do with a  little less stress with work, but I guess legal practice is by itself a whole bag of problems waiting to be solved by people who don't know any better. Definitely, the President could do with a little less blabbering to help me sleep more peacefully at night (to selfishly put it).

But I am okay. And being okay, right here, right now at this point in my life, is more than okay.