Twenty-three isn't as fun as seventeen

I’m not as young as before. I’m twenty-three. While some will argue that it’s still a fairly young age and I have a whole life ahead of me, it’s still not seventeen. And it’s funny, because at twenty-three, and months away from my law degree, I have never been so clueless. What’s even funnier is that I had an inkling of what to do when I was seventeen: I was going to law school. I was in a relationship then, and, even if I wasn’t, I could detect a spark when I felt it.

Roughly four years after college, I can’t help but feel like life is thrusting me into this whole new dimension I’m not sure I’m prepared for. I’ve always known that I’m a relationship person, and I’m at my best when I’m in one (except for the last few weeks when I knew a relationship was going nowhere, and I would decide to botch it up altogether)…but, frankly, I’m not so sure anymore. I’ve always known that I’m fairly responsible and hardworking, but why am I not working so hard anymore?

I guess my recent and longest relationship changed certain perspectives. I may not have fully recovered in terms of trusting myself and moving forward alone, but I should. Time is running, the bar review is just around the corner, and I have bigger battles to conquer than the ones inside my head.

Sad and Familiar

It's a sad story, but it's one that I've written about too many times before. More times than I've written about law school, the supposed theme of this blog anyway. But it's been a while since I've shared this kind of story, and a long time has passed since I've taken the time to reflect and write about what I feel.

A failed relationship. This time, it took me more than a year for us to finally call it quits. And as I said, it's a sad story, and it doesn't make much sense, but the long and short of it is that it's over.

I should be comfortable writing this story. I am, after all, familiar with how it goes.

But I am not. My failed relationships say more about me than about them. I can keep convincing my own ghosts that there was, in one way or another, always something wrong with them.

But it's me. It's all me, isn't it?

Before the semester starts

Year III. Sem II. That's where I will be a few days from now. And that's how long this blog has lasted. I know I haven't been the most consistent, OC, and gramatically correct law student-blogger out there, and I have mentioned absolutely nothing on my law school experiences when I should have. But I have to give myself a pat on the back--this has been thus far my longest running blog that I haven't deleted, including the ones with my (real) name on it.

The reason for my relative lack of blog posts is not that things have gone by so fast. They have not! I can't remember ever going through a long-drawn, gruesome, torturous ordeal worse than law school. Some people hate it, very few love it, but I think everyone who's gone through--and is going through--law school can agree that it is anything but easy.

I can't describe it, really. The experience is one for the books, but I can't quite describe it fully without potentially exaggerating or understating exactly how it is. But what I know is, coming in, I didn't really have any idea what to expect. And when I had an inkling of what it's gonna be like for the first few weeks I was in it, I put myself under the insane belief that I could skate through with digests, bar tips, and other shortcuts. Thankfully, I learned early on that, as in most obstacles in life, there really were no shortcuts. You just have to go through with it. Of course there's always the option of joining a fraternity or asking a friend to help you out in the middle of a bloody recitation, but when it comes right down to it, you have to beat yourself at your own game.

I sound freakishly sentimental when I'm not even through with it yet! I guess what I want to point out is that I've come to my full senses, five semesters too late, and I'm ready to finally bring it.

I mean, I should be. There's nothing more I want right now than to finish law school, get my law degree, and find out what the future holds for me. I don't really have a clear picture in mind as to what I want to do, which is why I admire my boyfriend. He had everything figured out during med school, knowing what specialization he wanted to take and where he wanted to go. And now that he's finally a doctor in residency, he's making it happen. And it's happening right before my eyes!

I guess that's the kind of realization you have during law/med school, and dammit, it's the realization I want to have while I am still in it!  More than anything, really, I'm just happy that my perspective has changed.

I will get to the finish line, and I will get there before others do.